I have been telling myself for about a week to just "chill out". Release it, let it go. I am trying to be gentler with myself, kinder to my mind, my body, and my overall life. I get stressed easily, and truth be told, I tend to stress out the most about things that I can't control. Just gotta let it go...
Just this past weekend, Hubby was telling me about how I am like a robot when it comes to my schedule. I know that I'm a maniac about staying on a schedule and that I like to plan things down to the nth degree. Its common knowledge. My appointment book is a sea of scribbles, doodles, highlighter colors and big arrows and the word "OJO" (look!) near very important stuff. I like to plan. Its me. I thought it calmed me down.
But it doesn't. Planning only controls ME! I am in total control of me, but its everything around me that I cannot control and that makes me anxious, especially when everything around me gets me off schedule. Hmmm.... interesting. Are you following me? If I have, lets say...6 things planned in a sequence of events to lead up to picking my son up to school, and then suddenly something else gets thrown in or my time doesn't pan out exactly as I've laid out, I start to stress. Panic about not arriving at pick-up on time (I'm rarely on-time, almost always early)... the anxious feeling in my chest, the furrowing of my eyebrows, the ache in my gut... those aren't good things. This I know.
I must chill out.
Its just that I like to be moving. I like to get a lot done. I cannot remember the last time that I actually sat down at the table to eat a whole meal in peace, or watch a television show from start to finish. I am a queen of multi-tasking. I fold and continue laundry while I'm chopping onions and starting dinner... I run up-dates on my computer while I sit with my morning coffee and my iPhone checking my websites that can't load while my computer updates... I hate the lost time in the car while I'm forever driving somewhere, so that's when I catch up on phone calls, news, that's when I remember to eat, and formulate blog posts, ads for the ranch, grocery lists, etc...
I need to chill out.
I cannot do any more. I must let up. Because of this control problem I have going on, I've overextended myself. I cannot do it all, and I cannot control everything. I especially cannot let myself stress over the things I cannot control.
For example, I'm beyond upset that a parent sent their sick child to school today with a fever and exposed my child to the illness. It shouldn't have happened. But I can't control that. I had to let it go, or my anxiety would have made ME ill! All I can do is control my environment, keep my child's hands clean and full of vitamins and Airborne and hope that his immunity is strong enough to keep from getting sick.
Or what about the parent's giving me a hard time about working in the concession stand tonight for baseball? I can't stress out about it. I was letting myself get all upset about the situation but for what? It won't change the fact that they won't show up, will it? Nope. In fact, all it will do is make me mad... I just had to let it go and know that I can only control myself and my actions.
In trying to get ahold of what I need to let go, and what I need to own up to, I have realized something else. I need to be kinder and gentler with myself. Quit trying to jam pack a week's worth of minutae into each day. What doesn't get done today will definitely still be there for me tomorrow. I'm going to relax. Well, I'm going to try. This is a work in progress... it's hard for me to relax. I freely admit this. Even when I seem at ease, my mind is doing 100 other things and planning my next move. I know I am doing it to myself and I'm going to ease up.
I am going to chill out. I promise to start right after I check off a few more things from my To Do List!!