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A Letter to My Husband

Posted Apr 20 2009 11:46pm
Dear loving husband,

There are a few things that I have been meaning to discuss with you lately, but as you know, our crazy lifestyle is not always working in our favor to give us time to discuss anything. Therefore I thought I would take this opportunity to enlighten you with some of my recent observations and yes, confess a few things too.

First of all I want to say thank you for bringing such joy and laughter to my days. Watching you attempt to defy gravity using a lead rope and a car tarp to try and capture the wind during a scary tornado warning provided great comic relief in the face of the dangerous situation. I know that your obsession with trying to harness the wind will pan out someday soon, but I doubt it will be in the face of a tornado and using tools around the house! Nevertheless, to watch you slide on your back at record speed and ultimately come to a halt by running into a fence proved to be an excellent effort and a fantastic few moments. Surely the pain you were dealt between hitting the fence and the 100 foot long divet that your belt and jeans created was worth the adrenaline rush? Oh, and I swear to you, my dear aviator, that when you saw me rolling around on the ground, it was because I was having a coughing fit, not laughing at you! I know you mentioned the shrieks of laughter you heard mid-'flight', but I promise that those were those darned blue-jays nesting in the nearby tree, not your loving wife. Trust me.

I do hope that the next bit of information I present to you isn't a complete shock. Please understand that I know that you have invested hundreds upon hundreds of hours into your effort for absolutely no gain, and I'm sure that its extremely frustrating for you, but... Honey, repeatedly watching the Bo-Flex infomercial does not constitute a 'real' workout. I know that you believe that watching that chiseled and oily man perform exercises with the Bo-Flex will give you the same results, but it doesn't. I know this comes as a shock to you, but you actually have to do the workouts, not watch them on TV.

Now sweetheart, you know how you think that if 'a little is good, then a lot must be better'? Yeh, well... its not always true!! Seems that after so many years of marriage, your ideas have begun to rub off on me and I started to think along the same lines... case in point: Know how I like to try and find natural remedies for ailments and things around the house, rather than rely on medicine and chemicals? Well, I have a slight confession to make... in an effort to calm your mood and make you 'nice', I offered you some natural herbs to do the trick. Specifically called Kava Kava, a pill a day was going to help you to de-stress, calm your nerves, and bring down your maniacal work ethic to normal proportions... But, you refused them and told me you didn't need 'any pill of any kind', remember? Yeh, well...

You know that iced tea you've been drinking? Yep, I ground up the Kava Kava and put it in your tea and you never knew the difference... well, let me take that back... you did notice a difference the first time I did it, but since then I've gotten a little smarter about it. Who knew that after I added a week's worth of Kava Kava to the whole pitcher of iced tea, that you would sit down and drink a week's worth of tea at one sitting? Yeh, well, when you overdosed on the Kava Kava to my horror and ran for the bathroom, I was sweating bullets too! Thoughts of orange suits and prison bars danced in my head as I listened to you wretch and blame the local burger joint for bad meat.

Yep, that was my fault, and I'm sorry. But don't worry! It won't happen again.... and you thought I had the juice pitcher under lock and key was because it was a secret recipe! HA! You were only half-right!

You see my dear husband, I love you with every breath of my being. This I am certain of because you put my love to the test almost every single day with your crazy antics, your weird ideas, and your interesting outlook on life. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Even when you tell me to close the windows at night because a witch will come to the window, and you try to convince me that a spider has peed on your lip, I am filled with love for you.

As we look to celebrate our first of many decades ahead of marriage to one another, let me tell you that I love you today much more than I loved you even then. As my love for you grows with each baffling and hysterical occurrence that I witness of you, I am thankful for having you in my life. As we enter our second decade of marriage, it is my hope that we can continue to laugh as hard as we work as you continue your plight to defy gravity, perform psycho-cybernetics and the law of attraction, look for witches carrying salt shakers, and hunt down the elusive peeing spiders. On the off-chance that you don't achieve success in any of these areas, I promise to still be right there alongside you, laughing my butt off the whole way!

Your loving wife,

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