First of all, I just need to tell you that I bruised on Tuesday. I know that I’ve been fragmenting with the same thoughts and emotions, but this time like we talked about I’m more withdrawn and quiet. I’ve also been noticing that I’m going away more throughout the day. I had mentioned it is sort of like a flashback of how and how frequently I did that growing up. I actually can’t remember not doing it. Makes me a bit sad.
Along with it comes some feeling and tearing up and then I can feel myself automatically shut it down. I know that I am defending. I also want to cry, but it just gets so stuck. I am remembering more how that used to be and how difficult it was and how awful it felt…I know, I used the word “awful” which doesn’t say much.
I know that I need to talk about it with you, but I defend so much against feeling…just being which is what I used to do. Also, I know, I need to talk about the continually tactile and visual flashback of the bugs crawling on me. But, I just don’t want to talk about the garage stuff and I do want to talk. Okay, I'm ambivalent.
I also wanted to discuss L with you because I keep fragmenting with her calling. I know that it is triggering my stuff with my mother. I’m getting angry and feeling trapped about it.
[L and I have known each other since 6th grade and we were friends who just had fun together, nothing ever deep on my part. She has had a mess of a life and lives with her parents, her daughter, her son and her new grandson. Anyway, I realized that she was just like my mother in so many ways and that she would only contact me when she needed help. If I talked about me or if she asked, she really didn't hear or would say, "but your okay, right" and continue the conversation.
Three years ago or so, she went through this period where she was really suicidal and has no insurance (despite my continual prompts for her to apply for her whole family). I assisted in finding her a psychiatric placement and outpatient therapy. She didn't follow through three times, but kept calling daily and while I was at work. Well, I wasn't going to tell my suicidal friend that I couldn't talk because I was at work. I almost 5150'd (involuntary psychiatric hold) her, but she would have lied. (I would do the same also.) I finally told her that I can't be a therapist for her and I will not have any contact with her until she has been receiving therapy.
Well, within the month I've received four telephone calls from her. Three were within this past week. I know the pattern. The first call is some sort of crisis and very manipulative. I don't call back. The second one is even more manipulative and usually angry and demanding or crying hysterically with manipulative statements that try to make me feel guilty. It has been working some.]
I also want to talk about the woman that my pastor would like me to talk with. I so far, know that I want to help and that email and the telephone will work. Face-to-face, I think I can handle if I time it right and make sure that I have support afterward. I actually think that it might be good for me to just talk with someone face-to-face. [My pastor asked if I would be willing to talk with a woman at my church who has been going through a really rough time. She is in therapy and is just now starting to have flashbacks and urges to cut.]
Yesterday, I realized how really isolated I’ve become and how fearful I am about going out. I’ve been emailing and talking on the telephone though. The telephone is new, so I feel like that is a step forward.
I feel a bit scattered, disconnected and foggy. I'm also on my monthly and it has been hot and all of these factors just increase my symptoms.