Why I'll Never Commit Suicide (and Why You Shouldn't Either)
Posted Oct 05 2010 11:26am
I'm not going to lie - there have been plenty of times when I've thought about killing myself just to end the misery and pain I was in. I've thought about it ever since I was a kid. Sometimes just the thought of doing it gave me a sense of calm and relief ~ knowing that I would no longer have to deal with the pain anymore. It was my last resort - and I always knew it was a possible option. With that being said, there are numerous reasons why I never did and never will commit suicide. Some reasons might be irrational, but the other reasons are genuine reasons that you should take into account before you think of doing something that can never be undone.
I'm sharing this first reason (of which many may think is irrational)... but since I was so young, it did it's job by not letting me take my own life. (I'll list my other reasons after)...Growing up in a very strict Catholic household gave me mixed feelings about God. I was raised to believe that if you follow all the rules you'll be fine and God will be happy - but if you break any of those rules you're pretty much shit out of luck. I remember reading Dante's Inferno and within that book he discusses the "Nine Circles of Hell". Basically, the more reprehensible the sin, the deeper into hell you would go. Suicides were damned to the Seventh layer of hell. Now, granted, I did understand that this was only a book, but regardless, it still scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to go to hell and suffer for eternity! I wanted to be happy and at peace in heaven! So in my mind committing suicide would make things worse off for me and not give me the peace and happiness that I had so desperately wanted.
Along the lines of God, I DO believe that we do not have the right to decide when it's our time to go. Our life is a gift from God. We are all here for one reason or another and until our purpose is fulfilled we need to stay put. Yes, life can really be shitty and you may wonder why you even bother sometimes, but I'm telling you - YOU DO have a PURPOSE whether you believe it or not.
Think of all the loved ones you'll leave behind and how much pain it will cause them. I know, I know - I too have had the feeling that "no one would care if I was dead" - but that's just our depression and irrational thinking speaking for us. We ALL have people who love and care about us. If you feel like suicide is the only answer, just think about the mess you leave behind - the pain, the guilt, the questions... it's NOT worth it! You never know who's thinking about you right now at this very moment.
Please remember this quote when you're feeling alone and unloved:
"To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the world."
~ Author Unknown ~
I've seen the pain suicide has caused. I've experienced four of them in my lifetime and I truly hope I don't have to experience any more. I know how horrible I felt and all the questions that went through my head like: "What could I have done?" "Why didn't I see this coming - I could have donesomething!" "I just can't imagine life without them." The questions, grief and guilt never end. I think that in witnessing these tragic deaths it made me stop and realize how much pain I would cause others and I certainly didn't want to do that.
If you take your life now you'll never know how your life turns out. Yeah, things may seem crappy right now and maybe it has been for a while (I know that feeling) but I still want to see how my life turns out. I still believe that I'm dealing with all of this for a reason and that one day it will all make sense. Even at my worst I refuse to give up because it's not YOU wanting to die, it's your depression making you THINK that you want to die.
You might be so close to making it through the darkness, but you don't know it yet - so don't give in.
Most importantly you need to love yourself first and believe that you are worth living for. Like others have told me, "you wouldn't be mean to a little kid, so why would you treat yourself any differently?" You need to be kind and loving to yourself first. Your life is just as important as anyone else out there. No one is more important than you because of what they do, how much money they make, what kind of clothes they wear, or who they know... In the end we are all on this journey together and we are all equal. Yes, some people were handed better cards than us, but that doesn't mean that you can't find purpose and happiness in your life. Happiness comes from within. It just take a little extra work for people like us, but that's okay. Some people live their whole lives without ever looking inside at who they really are. Having depression has lead me on a journey, and even with it's ups and downs, I wouldn't give it up for anything.