I have been thinking about where i am at the moment. Has my world really improved or am i just putting a brave face on it all and a big crash is going to happen at some point. I f i am 100% truthful i think it is a mixture of both. I am coping with more stuff at the moment. I am going to college and i am dealing with the work stuff kinda. What tells me that i am just putting a face on is that i am still having serious suicidal thoughts, i am not planning but i feel like i am treading water and playing a waiting game. When the time is right i will possibly act on those thoughts and take a trip into oblivion.
Even thought i have found something to fill my days i feel like i am blagging it all. I am doing the work that i am being set at college and it really is taking up all of my time. This means that i am putting other stuff into boxes and not necessarily dealing with any of it. I know that at some point it is all going to overflow and there will be a big mess. THis i find really depressing i know a lot of people think the tide has turned i am hopeful that the tide had turned but when i get down to the bottom of everything i really don’t think it has deep down. I have just found away to hide it all from everyone. This i know is a dangerous game to play it could all come back and haunt me. I don’t want to go back to where i was and i don’t want to be the mess that i was 7 months ago.
I just seem to be taking one day at a time at the moment which is all i really can do. Maybe that magic switch that flipped and made me into this person will suddenly flip back and i can finally put that part of my life away. That doesn’t seem to be the case at the moment and i will just have to go on hoping.