Warning!! Borderline Personality Thinking Run Amok!!!
Posted Sep 29 2008 11:55pm
Okay, I've been holding off writing this because I just don't like to reveal the "darkside" of recovering from borderline personality disorder. Sometimes, it just comes out in full force which it has especially for the past several weeks and this past week was really difficult. I was in that "I am bad" and "angry at my therapist" mode. It is such a horrible place to be in because I end up feeling abandoned, but it is me abandoning me and not being able to hold on to connection with myself and therefore others.
I hate being aware of it, but feeling like I'm helpless and can't do anything to get out of it. Which I keep being reminded that I am not. Then, everything my therapist does, doesn't do, says or doesn't say gets all twisted into "I'm bad. Or, he is being scolding or critical. I can't do anything right." Then, I get more depressed, the suicidal thoughts increase as well as the urges to self-injure which I did a little bit a couple of times this weekend. I feel panic, out-of-control and disconnected to everyone (and don't want to change that). It is a scary place to be.
What is worse is that my fragmenting is not even the real issue, it is only a defense against doing and feeling what I really need to do and I blame this blog. I had to go and be honest which has made me really focus on my mother and then you readers go and mirror back that it was that bad. Now, how in the world am I supposed to maintain denial and control? All my defenses come out for war to protect me from a threat that no longer exists. But, tell that to my borderline brain in the middle of it and my clinical brain becomes clueless and inaccessible to me.
What is worse is that I got myself into "trouble" because my therapist read the whole BPD series!!! So, he now knows that somewhere in me that I get it...it is like playing cards and revealing your whole hand. Not that I play cards, but that doesn't matter. He keeps telling me that, "I did it to myself." Well, who was the idiot that told him to read my blog in the first place. Okay, that would be me too. I'm starting to feel a little better, but on Sunday and Monday before the session I was so angry at him, so I wrote some ramblings down. Now, remember this is from my borderline thinking and I'm not very proud of it. But, this recovery stuff isn't easy. Remember, I'm doing better now. However, this is what I wrote and read knowing full well that I was "crazy."
August 25, 2008 ~ Monday ~ 9:15 AM Geoffrey,
I’m not even sure how to start this because in my head I just keep hearing you telling me that “I’m defending, reacting or fragmenting.” Somehow, that completely invalidates what is going on and that I shouldn’t tell you. I felt worse after I hung up with you last night than I have all week. I think that I needed to feel reconnected with you. When I reconnected with me some, I did not feel it was reciprocated. At the end, it felt like I really needed some validation that you were okay with me. My head wasn’t enough. And, I don’t feel like it was fair because I did work through a couple of those things on the phone.
I am just so angry with you right now. It just feels like I’m feeling worse the more I talk with you or don’t. I know, I’m fragmenting. Last night, I didn’t feel like you gave me any validation or put it right back onto me. I’m feeling really hopeless and yes, I know that I am reacting. I guess, it is sort of like my mother and when I just hope that she will give me that one little morsel of telling me that I am okay. I guess that is what I wanted from you.
But, even when I said that I was frustrated about not being able to leave a message you were silent. Most of the time, I wasn’t even sure that you were hearing me because I felt like you were not even acknowledging that you heard me.
I really feel like you don’t understand how difficult crying is for me and in my head I hear you telling me that I make it bigger than it is. But, you don’t feel that automatic cut off when I start to feel the tears come or the numbing that immediately happens.
I know this is all or nothing thinking, but I really feel like you don’t understand how the past couple of weeks have been. I really feel like giving up if I’m just going to feel worse after each session or contact with you. I can’t continue to do this. Last night, was the worse I’ve felt. And, I don’t want to tell you what is going on inside my head because you are just going to throw it back at me. And, then I react and feel bad. I’ve been feeling bad for a long time and I feel like there isn’t anything to counter balance it. I know that was what it was like growing up along with feeling like you are blaming me for everything.
I know that I need to learn things for myself and that it has been so long, as you reminded me that it was five years. I just feel really bad that I’m not doing this. I feel like I’m not trying or working hard enough. I keep thinking of injuring myself or planning to kill myself…I know, I’m just reacting. I feel like it isn’t okay to tell you what is going on if I am reacting, fragmenting, projecting, etc… I just don’t think things are working out and I know it is my responsibility. I feel pretty hopeless and want to just give up especially after this weekend.
Well, there it is! By the way, I by no means was able to take in that he called me and we had an hour conversation on a Sunday evening nor the millions of other things that tell other than what I wrote above. BPD really sucks...what is worse is knowing about what I am doing!!! I just want to be clueless again!! Thanks for letting me rant. I feel better now. (Guess what, I discovered I like emoticons!)