"Don't you dare," I remember saying before a blizzard of birdseed came flying toward us, much worse than the snow that had fallen earlier that day. If I'd held my mouth open, I would have choked on the amount of birdseed that was flying at us. Matt's family looked horrified as my cousins continued to pelt us.
Luckily, Bell started crying at the sight of her poor Unca Matt being hurt, so we called quits and I headed back into the Church to make sure she was okay. Little did I know that a devious plot was being acted out just around the corner.
A few days earlier, Debbie and I had gone out to get last minute items for the wedding. On her list was the birdseed that we'd agreed to go with instead of rice for the sake of the birds. At a small wedding shop, Debbie had found beautiful birdseed just for the occasion, dyed with pinks, purples and blues so you could match it to your wedding colors.
I didn't realise how much birdseed Debbie had purchased, but it was enough to fill a large punchbowl, which was where it sat while everyone gathered up a handful. Even after the attack, there was more than two thirds of the birdseed left in the large bowl.
I looked around, realising Matt was saying goodbye to his parents and I should do the same since they were on their way back to New Mexico that very night. I turned and stepped out the door when suddenly one of my older cousins attacked me with a snowball. Unable to defend myself, I felt arms wrap around me, holding me still as snow was pushed down the back of my dress and then a strange sensation. Wet. Grainy. The kind of feeling one gets when a punchbowl full of dyed birdseed and water is poured down the back of a wedding dress.
I stood, arms stretched out all the way down to my fingers which extended like ravenous claws. Any other day, I would have turned and pounced, but not only was I exhausted, my dress was too heavy to run in . . . especially with three pounds of wet birdseed sticking to my back and leaking down into my corset and underclothes.
"You are so dead!" I shouted, leaning down to pick up a few snowballs and throw them at my running attackers.
Matt stood in silence, half horrified, half trying not to laugh. When I started laughing at the insanity of it all, everyone else joined in. Everyone except Matt's mother who couldn't figure out what had spurred the wedding haze.
"Alright, alright, let's get going before they try anything else," Debbie said as she pulled the car around.
We said our goodbyes to our out of town family members, and also to those who we'd see next week. Joe was headed back to our apartment where he'd be staying another couple of days before he flew back to New Mexico, so he rode in the car that had most of our presents.
"You okay?" Matt asked, picking birdseed from my hair.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll just change into some new clothes before we head to the hotel," I reasoned.
Unfortunately, I had assumed that we were going back to the apartment first. Debbie on the other hand had different plans, and soon I noticed that we were headed west instead of south.
"We're not going back to the apartment, are we?" I asked with a loud sigh.
"Nope," Matt gave me a sympathetic look.
Because of the blizzard, most of the roads hadn't been plowed yet, and a normally twenty minute drive downtown took over an hour. By the time I stepped out of the car in front of the hotel lobby, the back of my wedding dress looked tie-dyed.
"Have fun you two," Debbie grinned before pulling the car away, leaving us there with nothing but our wedding attire and the bags I'd packed the night before.
"We will!" Matt shouted gleefully.
We stepped into the hotel lobby, carefully as I noticed birdseed dropping onto the floor as I walked. Matt went to the front desk to check us in only to find out that while his parents had reserved the room, they had not yet paid for it.
"Oh my gosh I hope they haven't reached the canyon yet!" I said wide eyed as Matt dialed his mother's cell. "There's no reception there for at least an hour."
Thankfully they were making a stop on their way and were able to give the necessary information to the hotel manager in order for us to head up to our room. Not before at least five hotel staff members made comments about us being the only newlyweds in the hotel, and then winking at Matt.
Matt carried me over the threshold, nearly tumbling over in the process. The doorway was too thin, we were a little too wide, and hadn't had much practice. Once inside the room though, we spotted the bed and I dreamed of a long nights sleep and how the wedding was over and I didn't have to stress about planning it anymore.
"They have a bidet in here!" Matt shouted from the bathroom.
"What's a bidet?" I asked, regretfully.
"It's basically a toilet that you sit on and it washes you," Matt said, pressing the button and watching as water spewed upwards from the porcelain bowl.
"Ew! Why would you do that?!" I gagged a little at the thought, immediately wondering how many previous hotel guests had used it.
"Want me to order room service?" Matt asked, sitting down on the bed and flipping open the menu.
"Yes, please. A lot of it too. I'm starving. I didn't get to eat anything but that cake at the reception," I said, stepping into the bathroom and reaching for the zipper on the back of my dress which now was out of reach thanks to the birdseed which was weighing the dress down.
I'd always envisioned my wedding night as something romantic. I had even made a mental plan to go into the bathroom, shower, brush my teeth, shave my legs and primp my way to perfection long before my new husband ever saw me on our wedding night in the buff. Unfortunately the vision was not going to happen.
"Matt," I sighed. "I need help out of my dress."
"Yes ma'am!" Matt said, hanging up the phone after ordering food. He'd already kicked off his shoes and socks, and his jacket was hung over the backside of a chair.
"The zipper," I motioned. "I can't reach it."
"No problem," he said before kissing my cheek.
There was a loud zip, followed by the sound of several pounds of birdseed crashing to the bathroom floor in one swoop. I hung my head and sighed. "Go ahead and undo the corset," I moaned. Just as before, one layer of clothing came off, followed by the sound of birdseed scattering across the floor.
By the end of it I was mortified, but Matt looked down, smiled and said, "Don't worry, they're paid to clean this kind of stuff up."