Many years ago I read a little book called "
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It And How To Respond", by Patricia Evans. I still recommend this book (despite its unfortunate tendency toward anti-male bias) for its admirable job of highlighting the many types of verbal abuse. These include many subtle forms that may slip by unnoticed, such as discounting
("Oh, that's nothing"), blocking
("I don't want to talk about it"), diverting
("That's not the real issue, this is"),and trivializing
("Whatever" ), all of which reinforce an unbalanced power dynamic.
It all comes down to the basic idea that there are essentially two forms of power. The first is
"Power Over", which boils down to one side exerting dominance over another. While this form of power easily becomes an oppressive control tactic, it does have a proper function in situations in which discipline is a more appropriate motivator than relationship (military hierarchies are a prime example).
What is generally more appropriate in intimate relationships is
" Personal Power". This is a more autonomous form of power that places a value on inner strength, self-control, boundaries, the absence of shaming dynamics, respect, and the acceptance of feedback from others. While
"Power Over" doesn't require much ego strength (and in fact often feeds on its absence),
Personal Power is a sign of a mature personality construction. Some people come by it naturally but the rest of us have to work hard to develop and maintain our appropriate relationship to power.
Many people grew up in situations where their parents or other adult influences wielded power inappropriately. Much of society is based on inequitable power differentials. No wonder so many relationships fall prey to inappropriate management of power. In relationships it's one of the reasons contributing to what I call "underground" forms of power such as affairs and addictions.
One important aspect of relationship counseling, even if its not the initial reason a couple presents for consultation, is discussion about the ways power is expressed and the barriers to the effective management of power that is important to all relationships.
It all comes down to the basic idea that there are essentially two forms of power. The first is "Power Over", which boils down to one side exerting dominance over another. While this form of power easily becomes an oppressive control tactic, it does have a proper function in situations in which discipline is a more appropriate motivator than relationship (military hierarchies are a prime example).
What is generally more appropriate in intimate relationships is " Personal Power". This is a more autonomous form of power that places a value on inner strength, self-control, boundaries, the absence of shaming dynamics, respect, and the acceptance of feedback from others. While "Power Over" doesn't require much ego strength (and in fact often feeds on its absence), Personal Power is a sign of a mature personality construction. Some people come by it naturally but the rest of us have to work hard to develop and maintain our appropriate relationship to power.
Many people grew up in situations where their parents or other adult influences wielded power inappropriately. Much of society is based on inequitable power differentials. No wonder so many relationships fall prey to inappropriate management of power. In relationships it's one of the reasons contributing to what I call "underground" forms of power such as affairs and addictions.
One important aspect of relationship counseling, even if its not the initial reason a couple presents for consultation, is discussion about the ways power is expressed and the barriers to the effective management of power that is important to all relationships.