Dear all who reads my blog, I write tips and advice here which you may find useful. However I would like to be honest and tell you the story which happened to me on this weekend.
Just before I start here is some info you need to know. I was asked in comments whether I am a psychologist or a therapist of sime kind. In fact I'm neither of that. I'm a former cutter and used to suffer depression for about 4 years, tried to commit suicide in 2005. After an antidepressant and self-help therapy I seemed to recover. I started this blog to help those who suffers depression and to share my experience so that someone can find it useful.
Now the story. On Saturday night when me and my husband met our friends I tried to commit suicide. All I remember is 3 things: First: I sat with my husband by the fire and felt wery peaceful. The next is I lay in dirt feeling real bad. The third one is my husband and one of our friends catch a taxi to drive me home.
As we came back home I was told the following: First I sat by the fire with one of our friends ans try to woo him. My husband took me aside so we could speak privately, when a ran psychotic. I screamed bloody murder for about 2 hours, I tried to throw myself before a car for about 10 times scaring the hell out of my husband. I told him that I spoil his life, that he has a writer's block because of me and that I want to die.
I still don't remember a thing. And I doubt if I have a right to advice something about depression after that day. I am ashamed of what I've done but don't want to blame alcohol for it because noone forced me to drink so much. And I'm very scared. My husband got cold real bad when he carried me, and stopped my suicide attempts. He still is very nervous. So bad that his arms and jaws become physically numb from time to time.
I don't know if I will be able to write here and if I have a right to write here. I will think about it.