Days where I close myself up tight, refusing to let anything good in. Days that are confusing, and painful, and sad. Days where I'm left wondering what illness caused the problems this time.
Did my fibromyalgia cause depression? Am I just experiencing seasonal affective disorder? Is my OCD peeking its ugly head around the corner? Or is this just another hormonal switch around?
The problem is it's all too often a horrible cycle. One thing affects the other and like dominoes in a line, the rest of the pieces begin falling down. So it then becomes an even harder dilemma. How do I fix what I don't know went wrong?
Once the cycle starts, it's even more difficult to get out of. The one thing I can rely on about pain is that it's real, I can feel it, and I can try to work against it. But when mental illness takes over, I'm often a backseat driver on that road that OCD drives along.
A normal bad day can be thought out and fixed, depending on the circumstances. But OCD is about the future as much as it is about the present. One small misstep leads to the worst case scenario and soon I find myself in a panic attack wondering when the walls will stay falling down on my life.
Today is one of those days.
A day that slowly begins to drain itself of color and life. Where my thoughts take control, and all they do is lie to me. And they are very convincing. It's scary. It's emotional.
And it is the most alone feeling in the world.
Because I should be able to control my words, thoughts and actions. But when I'm already weakened by one problem, it leaves me defenseless against the onslaught. I find myself shutting down defensively, or lashing out.
Sometimes it's easier for people to think you're just a bitch, than to explain time and time again that you don't know why you say/think/feel/do the things you do. And how many times can you apologize and explain before the world stops caring and forgiving?
How long before they stop believing you?
How long until they wonder if you're really worth the trouble?
OCD and Depression lie. But they can be really convincing.