The promise of feelings

So hard to talk about things sometimes. And yet you let me take my time, to talk when I want to, and it’s ok if I don’t.

As I said, my feelings come and go. And sometimes I run away from it all. It’s so much easier than staying with the emotion, to feel the pain, to feel that physical wrench in my heart. And yet you want me to.

It’s hard to talk about feelings when you spend so much time trying not to feel, trying to control what is ultimately an untameable beast. Trying to be ok, when you know inside that it is not.

Sadness. Sadness can be so powerful. Sadness clouds your thinking, steals away the colours so you only see the unending pitch blackness. Sadness takes away so much from you and yet promises a hope that death could end it all.

Then there is anger. Anger that is never directed to the person it should be. I cannot allow that. For me, anger ends with sadness too, because it strips away all happiness and leaves me in a dark place. Anger is so much more dangerous for me because it has a violence that permeates all other emotions.

Do you really want me to go there?