I often write about the humorous side of mental illness , because that is how I've learned to cope. But it's not always funny. It's exhausting, debilitating, difficult, and sometimes it's absolutely terrifying.
Currently my OCD is fairly under control, as is my depression and anxiety. I've learned ways to cope with all of them, but sometimes I'm just not strong enough. Sometimes you can have all the tools to fight and it still gets away from you. Sometimes you can win a battle, but the war rages on.
Last week while watching So You Think You Can Dance, I was reminded of the fact that there have been moments when my mental illness has scared me. Almost two years ago I wrote a post about it and last week after watching a dance (the same one that I saw two years ago) I was reminded of the fear.
I sat on my couch watching this beautifully choreographed routine, sucked into the movements and the music and the story, and I immediately began to cry. Because it was too real for me. Because I've been that girl in the dance. I've been the one endlessly fighting against an emotionless demon that's constantly trying to suck me down into nothingness. I've had to fight, fight so hard just to breathe some days and other days I haven't had the strength, and I let it overtake me.
Mental illness can be a nightmare.
It can be scary.
It can be rough, emotionless, empty and violent.
(actual routine begins at 1:30)
This dance triggers something in me that reminds me of the darkness and it scares me because I know there's always a chance I could fall back into it.
But there is still hope.
Because the beauty of this routine is that she fights.
It's not easy, but she fights.
And in the end, she walks away.
So as much as I am scared about falling back into the darkness, I know that the struggle is worth it because there is a light. There are moments of peace. Times where I don't have to fight.