(The following is an excerpt from the book, Journey to Enlightenment, by Ross Bishop. It resonates with me due to my passion for working with people from a "family of origin" perspective. It beautifully describes why so many of us develop negative beliefs about ourselves in childhood - when we mistakenly take responsibility for our parents' issues. I believe this the source of much of what ails us emotionally - and prevents us from having healthy relationships.) In this story, you are an infant. One of your parents, let's say your mother, is holding you. Mom is struggling with her personal issues, and although she is doing the best she can, she cannot give you the attention you need. As a result, she is unable to hold you as securely as you would like. Feeling insecure, you naturally wonder if she is doing this because there is something undesirable about you. After all, if you were really valued, she would treat you with greater consideration (Note: When the love a child needs is withheld, the child will naturally question her worthiness. We all do this. Love and support, although desirable for you, are essential to a child's survival.)
As your mother's struggle with her issues intensifies, the relationship between you becomes difficult. She is distracted, perhaps distraught and scared. She doesn't mean to hurt you, but she lets you slip out of her grasp, and you fall. Unfortunately, you land in a fresh cow pie.
Your initial feelings are not being good enough to have just been strongly reinforced. Your mother picks you up, but her preoccupation with her own issues prevents her from cleaning all the manure off you. You look around for help from Dad, but he's not there. He's mostly at work and when he's home he is emotionally unavailable anyway.
So there you are, soiled and smelly. Something is obviously wrong. Not only are you feeling unloved and unworthy, you now have the stink to prove it. The other people in your family aren't able to clean you up either. They don't know how to get rid of their own manure. No one in the family does.
Your grandparents try to help, because grandparents are immune to the odor of manure, but it's just not enough. Because of all the non-nurturing aspects of the family, your feelings of unworthiness become significantly reinforced.
The manure dries, you start to grow up, and having little choice, you become resigned to living with it. Who you are has become tainted with the aromatic flavor of something potent that does not belong to you. You do not deserve it, but the circumstances of your life have caused you to believe otherwise. You become convinced of your life have caused you to believe otherwise. You become convinced you are unlovable, and there isn't much in your environment to contradict that belief. Actually, there's quite a bit of negative reinforcement regarding your various imperfections and failings. When you play with the other kids you quickly learn they don't want to play with a smelly kid. You make friends with the other smelly kids. This leads you to conclude that this must be what you deserve. You resign yourself to the belief that this is what life has in store for you.
In order to get by, you start applying perfume to mask the smell of your "imperfections." Although this temporarily helps, you know you are living a lie, and are in constant fear that someone will pick up the telltale scent and you will be exposed. Some people sense something funny, and shy away from you, making you feel worse.
You, of course, must act as if the perfumed you is the normal you, while hiding your "real" self away. You treat your real self as though she has leprosy, hiding her from exposure and criticism. You live on a tightrope, alone, cursed and unable to risk getting close to anyone who is "clean" for fear they will detect the smell and reject you.
So, you seek out manure-wearing others to have relationships with. You make an unspoken deal: "I will ignore your manure if you will ignore mine." However, when the other person feels scared or hurt, they will break the agreement and point to your manure as the source of the problem. You, of course, respond in kind. Soon you are engaged in a "manure war" with all sorts of manure flying around. Each of you becomes entrenched, busily defending your own position. Little that is constructive is accomplished.
Wounded and despondent, you pull back from life and start looking for answers to your dilemma. The church tells you the manure is your fault and you should repent for your sinful nature. Your boss says you are just not trying hard enough to overcome it. A therapist shows you how to behave is though the manure didn't exist. A yoga teacher encourages you to achieve calmness in spite of the smell. New Age books and CD's tell you that beautiful flowers grow in manure, and you need to surrender to your bliss and stink and you don't like it. You know it interferes with your relationships with other people, but you seem unable to shake it loose.
Unable to get real answers about what is going on, and beset by a continuing series of problems, you pray to God for help. To your surprise, there is an answer." God says, "Take off your soiled clothing and bathe yourself in love. that which is causing you pain is not yours. It does not belong to you, it never has."
Conditioned by years of experience, the thought of giving up your soiled clothing seems impossible. "But," you reply, "I can't. This soiled state is all I know. It's who I am. It's what I deserve."
After all, what would happen if you gave up your soiled clothing and there was nothing else for you to put on? You would be left naked and alone out in the cold! It has felt this way in your previous lives, and that is how it felt when you separated from the Creator to come here. And there is little reason to believe the present will be any different. Feeling like a failure, you turn away from your feelings and God's advice, and you persevere, doing the best you can with your smelly rags.
Clinging steadfastly to your beliefs of unworthiness, life continues to create pain for you, but you persist. The lessons intensify. Eventually you are confronted with a crisis. Perhaps it is the painful end of a relationship or a business failure. Maybe it is a physical crisis, with the prospect of death or a considerably worsened physical condition. Each pushes on you to make serious changes to the way you see yourself.
Whatever the obstacle, you are pushed to the point that you can no longer sustain your old beliefs and behaviors. The facade will simply no longer hold. Pushed over the limit, your resistance breaks. Bruised and beaten, and finally really willing to surrender, you cry once more to God for help.
He says, "I understand." And then he repeats, "Take off your soiled clothing and bathe yourself in love. That which is causing you pain is not yours. It does not belong to you, it never has.
With nowhere else to turn, a crack in the darkness appears and you begin to see that it is really not y you. It never has been! The manure you have been carrying all this time has been the source of your pain, and it's not even yours!
God continues, "You left here with little self-awareness. The process you have experienced has been created so you would come to see the truth about who you are. In the process, you will heal the vulnerability that allowed the manure to stick to you in the first place. your vulnerability gave the beliefs a place to stick."
He then tells you, "this is all part of the process we have created together called Life," and that learning to accept the truth about who you are is an important step in your spiritual development. Since you have free will, it was necessary for you to come to this realization by yourself. He could not give it to you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Bishop has written extensively about life and spirituality which can be found at
www.rossbishop.com. He is a shaman and had a private healing practice in Santa Fee for 20 years. Learn more about his book,
Journey to Enlightenment.
In this story, you are an infant. One of your parents, let's say your mother, is holding you. Mom is struggling with her personal issues, and although she is doing the best she can, she cannot give you the attention you need. As a result, she is unable to hold you as securely as you would like. Feeling insecure, you naturally wonder if she is doing this because there is something undesirable about you. After all, if you were really valued, she would treat you with greater consideration (Note: When the love a child needs is withheld, the child will naturally question her worthiness. We all do this. Love and support, although desirable for you, are essential to a child's survival.)
As your mother's struggle with her issues intensifies, the relationship between you becomes difficult. She is distracted, perhaps distraught and scared. She doesn't mean to hurt you, but she lets you slip out of her grasp, and you fall. Unfortunately, you land in a fresh cow pie.
Your initial feelings are not being good enough to have just been strongly reinforced. Your mother picks you up, but her preoccupation with her own issues prevents her from cleaning all the manure off you. You look around for help from Dad, but he's not there. He's mostly at work and when he's home he is emotionally unavailable anyway.
So there you are, soiled and smelly. Something is obviously wrong. Not only are you feeling unloved and unworthy, you now have the stink to prove it. The other people in your family aren't able to clean you up either. They don't know how to get rid of their own manure. No one in the family does.
Your grandparents try to help, because grandparents are immune to the odor of manure, but it's just not enough. Because of all the non-nurturing aspects of the family, your feelings of unworthiness become significantly reinforced.
The manure dries, you start to grow up, and having little choice, you become resigned to living with it. Who you are has become tainted with the aromatic flavor of something potent that does not belong to you. You do not deserve it, but the circumstances of your life have caused you to believe otherwise. You become convinced of your life have caused you to believe otherwise. You become convinced you are unlovable, and there isn't much in your environment to contradict that belief. Actually, there's quite a bit of negative reinforcement regarding your various imperfections and failings. When you play with the other kids you quickly learn they don't want to play with a smelly kid. You make friends with the other smelly kids. This leads you to conclude that this must be what you deserve. You resign yourself to the belief that this is what life has in store for you.
In order to get by, you start applying perfume to mask the smell of your "imperfections." Although this temporarily helps, you know you are living a lie, and are in constant fear that someone will pick up the telltale scent and you will be exposed. Some people sense something funny, and shy away from you, making you feel worse.
You, of course, must act as if the perfumed you is the normal you, while hiding your "real" self away. You treat your real self as though she has leprosy, hiding her from exposure and criticism. You live on a tightrope, alone, cursed and unable to risk getting close to anyone who is "clean" for fear they will detect the smell and reject you.
So, you seek out manure-wearing others to have relationships with. You make an unspoken deal: "I will ignore your manure if you will ignore mine." However, when the other person feels scared or hurt, they will break the agreement and point to your manure as the source of the problem. You, of course, respond in kind. Soon you are engaged in a "manure war" with all sorts of manure flying around. Each of you becomes entrenched, busily defending your own position. Little that is constructive is accomplished.
Wounded and despondent, you pull back from life and start looking for answers to your dilemma. The church tells you the manure is your fault and you should repent for your sinful nature. Your boss says you are just not trying hard enough to overcome it. A therapist shows you how to behave is though the manure didn't exist. A yoga teacher encourages you to achieve calmness in spite of the smell. New Age books and CD's tell you that beautiful flowers grow in manure, and you need to surrender to your bliss and stink and you don't like it. You know it interferes with your relationships with other people, but you seem unable to shake it loose.
Unable to get real answers about what is going on, and beset by a continuing series of problems, you pray to God for help. To your surprise, there is an answer." God says, "Take off your soiled clothing and bathe yourself in love. that which is causing you pain is not yours. It does not belong to you, it never has."
Conditioned by years of experience, the thought of giving up your soiled clothing seems impossible. "But," you reply, "I can't. This soiled state is all I know. It's who I am. It's what I deserve."
After all, what would happen if you gave up your soiled clothing and there was nothing else for you to put on? You would be left naked and alone out in the cold! It has felt this way in your previous lives, and that is how it felt when you separated from the Creator to come here. And there is little reason to believe the present will be any different. Feeling like a failure, you turn away from your feelings and God's advice, and you persevere, doing the best you can with your smelly rags.
Clinging steadfastly to your beliefs of unworthiness, life continues to create pain for you, but you persist. The lessons intensify. Eventually you are confronted with a crisis. Perhaps it is the painful end of a relationship or a business failure. Maybe it is a physical crisis, with the prospect of death or a considerably worsened physical condition. Each pushes on you to make serious changes to the way you see yourself.
Whatever the obstacle, you are pushed to the point that you can no longer sustain your old beliefs and behaviors. The facade will simply no longer hold. Pushed over the limit, your resistance breaks. Bruised and beaten, and finally really willing to surrender, you cry once more to God for help.
He says, "I understand." And then he repeats, "Take off your soiled clothing and bathe yourself in love. That which is causing you pain is not yours. It does not belong to you, it never has.
With nowhere else to turn, a crack in the darkness appears and you begin to see that it is really not y you. It never has been! The manure you have been carrying all this time has been the source of your pain, and it's not even yours!
God continues, "You left here with little self-awareness. The process you have experienced has been created so you would come to see the truth about who you are. In the process, you will heal the vulnerability that allowed the manure to stick to you in the first place. your vulnerability gave the beliefs a place to stick."
He then tells you, "this is all part of the process we have created together called Life," and that learning to accept the truth about who you are is an important step in your spiritual development. Since you have free will, it was necessary for you to come to this realization by yourself. He could not give it to you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Bishop has written extensively about life and spirituality which can be found at www.rossbishop.com. He is a shaman and had a private healing practice in Santa Fee for 20 years. Learn more about his book, Journey to Enlightenment.