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The Brief Moment When The Dark Clouds Lifted

Posted Oct 11 2010 1:09pm
For the longest time I haven't been able to see the beauty in anything.  I used to love going for a car ride just to take in the beauty of nature that was all around me.  I loved anything outdoors.... I loved being outside, feeling the sun on my face and inhaling the fresh air... talking walks on trails through the always felt like an adventure.  Most of all I loved Autumn.  It was my favorite season... watching as the leaves on the trees turned to beautiful colors of orange and red and yellow - talk about breathtaking!    

We take so much for granted in life and we don't realize it until something happens to us to make us realize it.  For me it was depression.  Granted, I've had depression my entire life, but not as severe as in this past year.  It's almost like the last year of my life never happened because I was numb to everything around me.  I didn't notice or care about anything... and it sucked.  Last fall came and went and I didn't care.  I saw, but I didn't SEE the beauty of the trees changing colors all around me.  I hated that feeling.  I hated that something I once loved now didn't spark any sort of emotion in me whatsoever.

After being numb to my surroundings for so long, I began to wonder if I would ever feel anything ever again and that scared me.  After all, how can I continue to live life and not feel anything but emptiness inside?  What kind of life worth living is that?

That being said, you can imagine my complete and utter joy when, this past weekend, I actually noticed the beauty of Autumn all around me?? I was actually staring, jaw dropped, at how beautiful everything looked!  It felt so good to feel something again!  In the back of my mind I told myself "this feeling won't last long, so enjoy it while it's here"... and that's just what I did.  I took in every single color, every single leaf, every single tree and just enjoyed the sight.  I know this may sound so minor to some - or even perhaps a little silly - but to those who are depressed it is MAJOR.  To me it proved that I CAN feel something besides emptiness again!

I know that because of the work I'm doing through therapy I'm starting to feel better again.  It's not all going to come back at once (that's why I told myself to "enjoy it while it lasts").  Getting better takes time, and slowly, but surely you'll start to realize that there is life beyond depression!

I'd like to share with you the pictures that I took this past weekend.  I am so thankful for that brief moment when the dark clouds lifted and allowed me to be "in the present moment" instead of on "auto-pilot" for once.  I look forward to many more of these moments in the future!

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