By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.
Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either.
As a marriage counselor, I have learned the art of apology from my clients and from my training. None of this came natural for me. I have learned to take several deep breaths and tell myself to listen to what my husband’s concerns are before I respond. Over the years, I have learned to stop providing all the really good reasons why, in fact, I am not wrong because sometimes I am wrong.
Then I remind myself of the ABC’s of an apology:
Always Be Calm: Take several deep breaths and remember what’s at stake. Calming your nervous system and reducing your heart rate will help keep you from blurting out something you’ll regret later. Hearing your partner and thinking about the validity of their statements is so much easier if you are calm.
Avoid Being Critical: While it is natural to think of all those times your partner has been wrong, this is not the time to bring them up. Heaping criticism onto your partner will only confuse the issue and cause tension to increase.
Accept Blame Civilly: Be gracious and humble. Use those polite words your mom always wanted you to use. Here are some examples:
1. I really blew that one. Let me try it again.
2. Oops! How can I make things better?
3. Let me start over again. I think I went too far.
4. I really don’t want to be bossy with you. I can see how I came across that way. Sorry.
5. Look, your feelings are important to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I hope we are OK now.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. John Wooden, basketball’s coaching legend and Hall of Famer, led the Bruins at UCLA to 88 consecutive winning games. But he knew that one of the secrets of success is to be accepting of failure as well. He famously said: “If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything.”
©Copyright 2009 by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.
Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere. At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right, with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess, that doesn’t work either.
As a marriage counselor, I have learned the art of apology from my clients and from my training. None of this came natural for me. I have learned to take several deep breaths and tell myself to listen to what my husband’s concerns are before I respond. Over the years, I have learned to stop providing all the really good reasons why, in fact, I am not wrong because sometimes I am wrong.
Then I remind myself of the ABC’s of an apology:
Always Be Calm: Take several deep breaths and remember what’s at stake. Calming your nervous system and reducing your heart rate will help keep you from blurting out something you’ll regret later. Hearing your partner and thinking about the validity of their statements is so much easier if you are calm.
Avoid Being Critical: While it is natural to think of all those times your partner has been wrong, this is not the time to bring them up. Heaping criticism onto your partner will only confuse the issue and cause tension to increase.
Accept Blame Civilly: Be gracious and humble. Use those polite words your mom always wanted you to use. Here are some examples:
1. I really blew that one. Let me try it again.
2. Oops! How can I make things better?
3. Let me start over again. I think I went too far.
4. I really don’t want to be bossy with you. I can see how I came across that way. Sorry.
5. Look, your feelings are important to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I hope we are OK now.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. John Wooden, basketball’s coaching legend and Hall of Famer, led the Bruins at UCLA to 88 consecutive winning games. But he knew that one of the secrets of success is to be accepting of failure as well. He famously said: “If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything.”
©Copyright 2009 by Pamela Lipe, MS, LP. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile