Synchronicity - a term coined by Carl Jung is: "a "happen chance" that occurs that is in perfect alignment with your thoughts or ideas. Often mistaken as coincidences, synchronicities are universal nods, confirming that you are on the right track. Synchronicities can also be road signs that help steer you on to the right track if you are feeling confused or lost in some way."
I truly believe that synchronicity played a huge part in my day today - nothing else can explain for so many positive "occurrences". :)
My day started of by allowing myself to just sleep as late as I wanted to and that felt good - I'm starting to be able to sleep again! Whooo hooo! The second major step I took today was that I got out of the house - which is HUGE. It wasn't easy - but I'm glad I made myself do it and here's why
First off - I forced myself to go to Walgreens to pick up my medication (which I really could have waited and went with my husband on a different day... he's my crutch and makes me feel more comfortable when I go out - but I decided I NEEDED to do this alone - for ME) - I haven't cared for along time what I look like anymore - I mean - I don't put on make-up and I don't dress high-end like I used to... I dress to ... well... to BLEND IN. I don't make eye contact with anyone and I don't want anyone to bother me. In and out - that was the plan.
So here I was, standing in the candy aisle staring blankly at the rows of candy bars and next to me an older woman was doing the same thing - blankly staring at the candy. All I kept saying in my head was ("Come ON lady! Just pick something and get out of my way!") I was definitely feeling claustrophobic (which is typical of me). I didn't make eye contact but was pleading with her in my head to just LEAVE.... When all of a sudden she turns to me and asks: "What kind of candy do you think a 2 and 4 year-old would like?" Turns out she was trying to find candy to send to her grandchildren who live far away. "M&M's" I blurted out - I know my nieces and nephews love M&M's so it was a no-brainer.
The funny thing was, the moment she turned and asked me that simple question, all that annoyance and frustration that I was JUST feeling melted away and I immediately felt calm and at peace. I felt needed for once - if only to answer what kind of candy kids like. Spending so much time alone at home due to being unemployed and on disability has made me feel like a worthless piece of crap. I want to serve a purpose here - no matter how small it might be. The woman ended up talking about her son (or daughter - I can't remember) that lived away and how they were building a new house... she went on and on... it's like she needed someone to just talk to. You could tell she missed them. It was in that moment that I felt we were supposed to meet - for her to be able to talk - and for me to be able to lend an ear. I felt like I was helping her out in some small way at least - and she was doing the same for me. God or the Universe probably knew that we both needed someone to talk to - to connect with - if only for a moment in time. It made me happy that I did it though - getting out of the house... I believe we all serve a purpose no matter how small that purpose may seem. What happened today encourages me to get out more often because you'll never know whose path you might cross.
The second occurrence happened a couple hours later when my husband got home from work. I actually had the "energy" (for lack of a better word) to go grocery shopping....something that we've been putting off for a while. It had to be done and I actually was able to handle it without any panic attacks. (Of course I HAVE increased my dosage of Clonazepam so I'm sure that also helped). Again, even though I JUST experienced something wonderful at Walgreens, I still felt the need to blend in... to be invisible... and wouldn't you know it, but a girlfriend that I was supposed to get together with that day (but we never followed up on it) was there shopping too. "Great" I thought to myself as I tried to avoid her... but I should have known better. The Universe was AGAIN trying to speak to me and I was being stubborn and trying not to listen. I was able to avoid her for a while (which I don't know why I would - she's a very sweet friend and I have nothing but the utmost respect for her, but that's what depression does to you - your moods are so up and down). As my husband and I were looking at the frozen foods, I happened to look up and there she was looking at me with a huge smile on her face. "Crap!" I thought as she made her way over to me and said "I thought that was you!" then continued to give me a big hug. And AGAIN I felt that "protective shield" vanish as we continued to talk. She immediately lifted my spirits and made my day even better. So even though we didn't get together like we had planned - the Universe sure made certain that we still connected that day.
I'm really looking forward to my session with my therapist tomorrow. I can't wait to share this day with her. I think that I'm starting to feel a TINY bit better... and anything is better than NOTHING. Besides, if there's anything I learned today - it's to stop and breathe - to listen to the world around you... To listen to that inner voice and not ignore it. We are all being sent messages but often times we're too busy or not listening long enough to hear them.
P.S. (This is a side-note posted after this original post was made.) That same day at Walgreens I happened to purchase a notebook. I don't know why I did, but something told me I was going to need it for something in the future. Turns out, the very next day during my therapy session, my therapist told me to "buy a notebook" and to write down all these little coincidences! I'm not even kidding... she was just as amazed and blown away as I was by all the wonderful little "happy occurrences" that happened to me that day... I'm looking forward to more days like this!