Fear and worry seem to be a large part of my depression and it’s a part of it that I really hate. At 7.5 months pregnant, I’m exhausted, sore and most of all worried. I’m worried about being a good mom to two kids, I’m worried that I’m going to fail them, and I’m worried that I’m just not good enough for them.
At this point in my life, I really can’t see having any greater responsibility than raising children. Another current ongoing concern is how I will instil in my children good values, strong self-esteem and a love of life, in addition to the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally. I don’t want to spoil them, and yet I want to provide them with every advantage in life. The list really goes on and on.
Basically, it all boils down to my continual fear that I’m just not good enough. I never felt like the daughter my parents deserved, or like a good enough wife to my husband. Now with my biggest life role ever, I worry that I’ll never be a good enough mom.
This fear isn’t just a silent fear; it’s one that’s brought to the forefront of my life on almost a daily basis. For example, my cousin is home schooling her four children and constantly raves about how good it is for them. One child is brilliant and would be bored in the classroom, she says, while the other learns differently and would be lost in a classroom. As she details their different learning styles and her approaches to each, I feel a great shame well up inside of me.
I won’t be home schooling my daughter or her sibling. I don’t think I’m capable of it. My children will most likely go to public school. I’ve been debating private school (does that make me a better parent if they at least go to private school?), but I don’t know how we would afford it. There are also traditional public schools, arts focused public schools and more, but I’m not sure how to know what’s best. Now, my daughter will turn two next week, so it’s probably very early to start worrying about her education, but it’s such a big decision that I don’t want to mess up. Once again, I feel inadequate to make the decision, I’m ashamed that I don’t feel that I’m able to home school my children and worry that both of those weaknesses make me a bad mother.
The list of personal inadequacies that I carry inside my head just go on and on. It feels overwhelming and almost every new day adds another item to my list. With that in mind, I really have to sign off for tonight. If I think about this topic any more, I’ll just start obsessing about it instead of doing my best to deal with it in a positive manner.
So tonight I’ll pray that I will be a good mother, wife, daughter and sister (just as I do every night), and then I’ll pray that my children will grow up with good values, strong self-esteem and live lives that they are proud of. I’ll pray that no harm come to them. Then I’ll put my worries away for the night and work on calming my restless, worried-filled mind through breathing and relaxation exercises.
Plus, I have a little secret. In addition to my worries, I also hold an abundant hope for the future. After all, I’m a survivor.
At this point in my life, I really can’t see having any greater responsibility than raising children. Another current ongoing concern is how I will instil in my children good values, strong self-esteem and a love of life, in addition to the knowledge that they are loved unconditionally. I don’t want to spoil them, and yet I want to provide them with every advantage in life. The list really goes on and on.
Basically, it all boils down to my continual fear that I’m just not good enough. I never felt like the daughter my parents deserved, or like a good enough wife to my husband. Now with my biggest life role ever, I worry that I’ll never be a good enough mom.
This fear isn’t just a silent fear; it’s one that’s brought to the forefront of my life on almost a daily basis. For example, my cousin is home schooling her four children and constantly raves about how good it is for them. One child is brilliant and would be bored in the classroom, she says, while the other learns differently and would be lost in a classroom. As she details their different learning styles and her approaches to each, I feel a great shame well up inside of me.
I won’t be home schooling my daughter or her sibling. I don’t think I’m capable of it. My children will most likely go to public school. I’ve been debating private school (does that make me a better parent if they at least go to private school?), but I don’t know how we would afford it. There are also traditional public schools, arts focused public schools and more, but I’m not sure how to know what’s best. Now, my daughter will turn two next week, so it’s probably very early to start worrying about her education, but it’s such a big decision that I don’t want to mess up. Once again, I feel inadequate to make the decision, I’m ashamed that I don’t feel that I’m able to home school my children and worry that both of those weaknesses make me a bad mother.
The list of personal inadequacies that I carry inside my head just go on and on. It feels overwhelming and almost every new day adds another item to my list. With that in mind, I really have to sign off for tonight. If I think about this topic any more, I’ll just start obsessing about it instead of doing my best to deal with it in a positive manner.
So tonight I’ll pray that I will be a good mother, wife, daughter and sister (just as I do every night), and then I’ll pray that my children will grow up with good values, strong self-esteem and live lives that they are proud of. I’ll pray that no harm come to them. Then I’ll put my worries away for the night and work on calming my restless, worried-filled mind through breathing and relaxation exercises.
Plus, I have a little secret. In addition to my worries, I also hold an abundant hope for the future. After all, I’m a survivor.