When I was a kid, my parents seemed to come to my rescue just at the right time — even when I didn't deserve it.
Once, my parents stormed into the principal's office to complain after my seventh-grade music teacher grabbed my hair and dragged me to the hallway.
They were defending the indefensible, really. The teacher had grown tired of my wisecracks and other misdeeds, and my parents knew it. But it made me feel good, so that's why they did it.
Two months ago, I came full circle. My wife and I tangled with the principal of my 9-year-old son's school over his placement in math. Initially, we thought we were getting the brushoff, and I didn't let it go. I wrote an e-mail to the principal that was full of venom. I got a response — it wasn't nice, but it was a response — that spurred a meeting with the superintendent.
In the days leading up to our meeting, debate raged in our household — especially because the school produced evidence that, in some ways, supported the principal's decision. We asked ourselves: Was this the right plan of attack? Or should we have been more patient and waited to see if our concerns would be addressed?
After much discussion, we're convinced we did the right thing. Indeed, professionals say it's best to show support for the child — even if his performance has been disappointing or behavior inappropriate.
Being there
"I don't think there's anything more important for a kid than to know — and to feel — that their parents are going to be there for them," said Tom Kersting, a student assistance counselor for the Ramapo-Indian Hills Regional High School District.
Sticking up for him shouldn't necessarily be interpreted as an endorsement of the child's actions, Kersting acknowledged.
Parents shouldn't refrain from disciplining a child, lecturing him or, at the very least, having him consider what could have been done differently. Children crave structure — even if it comes as discipline.
Kersting, who has written books that deal with children's self-esteem and diet, said some school districts have policies that allow parents to occasionally override the decisions made by administrators and teachers.
Those districts may go too far. But Kersting said parental input is vital, because mothers and fathers may see things in their children that administrators may miss.
"If you see some important variables that the school district doesn't see, then it's very important to stick up for your kids," said Kersting.
And in times of crisis, a child's self-esteem is at risk. Older children tend to have a better grasp of the difference between right and wrong. If they've done something inappropriate, most likely they know it — even if they don't show it.
The big chill
In my case, I learned my lesson before my parents got to the principal. There was something about standing in the hallway that made that hot-and-stuffy middle school building feel cold and lonely.
My son was angry about not getting into the higher-level math, where he was placed last year. We didn't even know about it until the school year was several weeks old.
Two months ago, I told him about my angry e-mail to the principal. At first, he showed no reaction. Then, later that day, we got word from others that my son was bragging at school about how his dad was sticking up for him.
That night, he just couldn't stop smiling. Every time he looked at me, he'd give me his gapped-tooth grin.
And, oh, by the way — he's back in high math.
Once, my parents stormed into the principal's office to complain after my seventh-grade music teacher grabbed my hair and dragged me to the hallway.
They were defending the indefensible, really. The teacher had grown tired of my wisecracks and other misdeeds, and my parents knew it. But it made me feel good, so that's why they did it.
Two months ago, I came full circle. My wife and I tangled with the principal of my 9-year-old son's school over his placement in math. Initially, we thought we were getting the brushoff, and I didn't let it go. I wrote an e-mail to the principal that was full of venom. I got a response — it wasn't nice, but it was a response — that spurred a meeting with the superintendent.
In the days leading up to our meeting, debate raged in our household — especially because the school produced evidence that, in some ways, supported the principal's decision. We asked ourselves: Was this the right plan of attack? Or should we have been more patient and waited to see if our concerns would be addressed?
After much discussion, we're convinced we did the right thing. Indeed, professionals say it's best to show support for the child — even if his performance has been disappointing or behavior inappropriate.
Being there
"I don't think there's anything more important for a kid than to know — and to feel — that their parents are going to be there for them," said Tom Kersting, a student assistance counselor for the Ramapo-Indian Hills Regional High School District.
Sticking up for him shouldn't necessarily be interpreted as an endorsement of the child's actions, Kersting acknowledged.
Parents shouldn't refrain from disciplining a child, lecturing him or, at the very least, having him consider what could have been done differently. Children crave structure — even if it comes as discipline.
Kersting, who has written books that deal with children's self-esteem and diet, said some school districts have policies that allow parents to occasionally override the decisions made by administrators and teachers.
Those districts may go too far. But Kersting said parental input is vital, because mothers and fathers may see things in their children that administrators may miss.
"If you see some important variables that the school district doesn't see, then it's very important to stick up for your kids," said Kersting.
And in times of crisis, a child's self-esteem is at risk. Older children tend to have a better grasp of the difference between right and wrong. If they've done something inappropriate, most likely they know it — even if they don't show it.
The big chill
In my case, I learned my lesson before my parents got to the principal. There was something about standing in the hallway that made that hot-and-stuffy middle school building feel cold and lonely.
My son was angry about not getting into the higher-level math, where he was placed last year. We didn't even know about it until the school year was several weeks old.
Two months ago, I told him about my angry e-mail to the principal. At first, he showed no reaction. Then, later that day, we got word from others that my son was bragging at school about how his dad was sticking up for him.
That night, he just couldn't stop smiling. Every time he looked at me, he'd give me his gapped-tooth grin.
And, oh, by the way — he's back in high math.