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Since I’ve Been Gone

Posted Jun 10 2010 9:58am

I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed adult ADD, meaning that my attention span is somewhat limited. I tend to be moved by something and throw 100% of myself into it, and leave the other demands off the side in the mean time.

For the last few weeks, this blog has fallen to the side, for a couple key reasons.

First off, my wife is doing really well. I’m beginning to sound a bit like a broken record in saying this, but it’s nice to be able to say it, so I’ll say it again: my wife is doing really well. We were walking through the park the other day, and I said to her
Honey, you have so much happiness right now.
I know, isn’t it great?
It’s is great! And think about it, 6 months ago, when you were suicidal, you didn’t think you’d ever feel happiness again. You thought your life was doomed.
I know, but actually, it’s much more than happiness. It’s much more than I ever felt before I got sick. Before I got sick, I could be happy at moments, but I was still uncertain with myself, and comparing myself to others, and very self-critical. Right now, I feel a mixture of acceptance, pride, happiness, and gratitude, since I went through what I went through, and I made it. It’s an amazing feeling.

Fuck yeah that’s awesome, isn’t it? 10 months after she’s saying that she’s the devil and trying to throw herself out of a moving car, this is what she is saying. So yeah, I’ll say it yet again: she’s doing really really well. And in truth, I’ve been enjoying that. I’ve been enjoying what feels much more like a normalized marriage, one of give and take, laughing, serious conversations, planning, and most of all, joy. It’s fantastic. So in truth, I didn’t really prioritize taking the time to sit down and write, because I was too busy enjoying life. If there’s any reason to not write, I think that is the best of all the reasons.

In addition to this, I am almost at the end of the school year. In fact, I’m 48 hours away from being done with school, and starting a year off of world traveling. We will be driving across the country, I’ll go on a solo bike trip of 450 miles, we’ll go to New Zealand, Fiji, Japan, Italy, and Kenya…it will be amazing. But before getting there, I have been putting a lot of focus into concluding my time at my school. I’ve been spending time with my co-workers and my students, swapping memories and laughs. It too has been really really good.

So in essence, I haven’t been writing because I’ve been too busy being happy. I started this blog when I needed an outlet for my feelings of anxiety, terror, uncertainty, and frustration. I needed to spew out the haunted memories. And I did. Quite intensely so. At its most regular, I was churning out 5 posts a week, each one of about 1,200 words. That’s not bad. But lately I’ve been happily dragged away from the computer by a jubilant life.

The strange part about this is two-fold, both revolving around guilt. First off, I feel guilty for dropping off the face of the earth. I had been building community with some of you, and I disappeared. And second off, probably much bigger, is that I’m starting to feel a bit of survivor’s guilt. We have made it. The worst is over. It lasted 10 months, but it is in the past. There are countless people out there who haven’t made it. They may not ever make it. This will be their lifelong challenge. We were thrown into the deep end of a 5,000ft pool and forced to the bottom, but we are now back to the surface and catching our breaths and enjoying the view. Many other people are not. And I’m feeling guilty about that. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t explain why my wife got better and other wives didn’t. And I’m not responsible for her recovery, while others are not responsible for someone else’s stagnation. But I still feel guilty. I think that’s the third reason I’ve stayed away from writing. I felt guilty about saying how well things are going.

I will probably post much less regularly, especially through the summer as we road trip. We did a road trip last summer and I am so looking forward to another one. It will feel so wonderful to run away on the open road with my wife and dog, to camp in deserts and forests and on mountains, to get lost and eat Dairy Queen and listen to good music and chase our dreams. So I’ll be gone again for a while. I’ll try to check in on everyone that I like checking in on. I really hope you all find the moments of escape that I have found.


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