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Setback

Posted Apr 26 2010 8:48pm
I get it.
I understand.
Depression does screwy things with your mind and thoughts.

There are times when I come up with some bizarre images- I mean crazy thoughts of horrible things.  Intellectually, I know they're not true.  For some screwed up reason though, my brain takes me on a trip.  I've had horrible thoughts that my husband has been in a terrible accident and that I am going to be left to raise the kids on my own just because he's late coming home from work.  I've had other thoughts  where I've convinced myself that I have a life threatening illness and I only have a short time to live. 
Whack job?  Possibly. 

Other thoughts aren't necessarily as WHACKED- just erratically negative and self-deprecating.  For the most part I convince myself that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter... I convince myself that my results and efforts at work are never good enough.  These feelings of inadequacy haunt me daily. I constantly feel as though I am letting people down; especially the people I love the most.

Although I have been on a good path since the augment of my medication, I have had a few setbacks.  Of course, I haven't selected those days to write as I am trying to stay positive here. I want you to read this and identify with me and know that if you are living with depression there are ways be happy, successful and proud.  (I am trying to convince my inner voice of this every day!)

So.. my setback.  I applied for a more senior position within my company.  Obviously I wasn't successful, hence the setback.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am qualified for this position.  I know that I can do the job.  Intellectually... I know it.  When I received THE call - I immediately lost all confidence.  I starting doubting everything that I know to be true about my capabilities.  I hung up the phone and cried.  (And ate) I found out who successful candidate was and I lost it even more.  (And ate some more!) I spent the day on my own and battled my inner demon-voice who told me that I wasn't good enough.  When my husband got home I cried for over an hour as I tried to talk it through with him.  It was exhausting.  I started to doubt my diverse background versus this person's narrow one.  I was afraid to speak to my boss for fear of looking resentful.  For a time, I actually convinced myself that I should keep my mouth shut so that I didn't embarrass myself.  Is this normal?  Maybe.  Is it just a lack of self confidence?  Possibly.  Why then, did I go on an emotional eating binge?  Can anyone say "Big Mac Combo with a Quarter Pounder with Cheese on the side?"  (Uh. A whole other topic!) 

Eventually, I managed to get the confidence up to speak to my superior and he was empathetic and was thinking along the same lines regarding my experience and capabilities.  I guess you could say that this setback was handled with a little grace, not while I was crying in my beer to my husband or stuffing my face and not tasting anything, but three days later when I was able to have a confident telephone conversation with my boss & mentor.

See.. maybe I wasn't successful, but I am damn proud that I stood up for myself.
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