(There was a list of "adult" things that I do or have done and then I realised that a lot of those things also happened when I was a teenager so they shouldn't count. So I removed the list.)
But really, when it comes down to it I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time.
I'm twenty-seven years old. I've been married for almost eight years. I've held countless jobs, many in management, and I've accomplished a great deal in my life.
But I always manage to put myself between rocks and hard places.
There are many things I need to accomplish off of my adult to do list.
I have four wisdom teeth that need removing. Two of them have been causing me huge problems for over three years. I have put this off constantly because I use the excuse "we can't afford it". That's an excuse I use a lot. It's the go to excuse when all other excuses fail.
So what, I should get a job or something right?
Okay well here's another kicker . . . I don't drive.
My drivers license expired around five years ago (give or take) and I never renewed it. I had planned to renew it, but it just kept getting put off again and again and again. I didn't have time, I didn't have a way to get there, I forgot, and ultimately . . . I couldn't afford it.
Now I don't even know where to begin about getting a new one, which will cost a bunch more because I'll have to retake all the tests. Oh, and I still can't afford it.
Christmas is coming soon, and we don't have a tree up. We have a tree, sure, but instead of putting it and decorations up this weekend, we spent our time in our den watching a marathon of Cake Boss and then a bunch of scary movies. That's it. That's all that was accomplished.
Between paying bills, taking care of health issues, celebrating holidays (without it being last minute), and many many more things, I just don't do things. I used to be able to. Somewhere between 18 and 19 years old I was a fully functional adult. I worked fourteen hours a day at a job I hated (okay so fully functional but not quite happy), I paid all my bills, I found an apartment on my own, planned a wedding, created a savings account (and contributed to it), saw the doctor frequently, took care of dental issues right away, and I even managed to find time for holidays and family.
But somehow things are moving backwards.
A big part of depression is avoiding the things that stress you out. Like bills for instance. You avoid and avoid until they are in collection and then you avoid some more. Talking to bill collectors is stressful and living paycheck to paycheck just doesn't work into a debt reduction plan very often.
Sometimes I wish I had a manual (or instructor) that could tell me, "Okay, it's Monday and you have this much money available to you, it needs to be spent on this. You can go about doing that by taking these steps." It would also include reminders to change the oil in the car, do my taxes, put up the damn Christmas tree and somewhere in the back of the manual it would show me a prediction of what life would be like if I followed the manual properly.
(And yes, I can already see the whole manual=scriptures thought that's popping in at least four of your heads right now.)
It may be a mental illness thing. Especially all the avoidance. But I'm so tired of avoiding. It gets really exhausting and I know that things won't get better if I sit in the corner and just wish them to. But damn, that first step is hard.