I was reading a friends blog where she was talking about redecorating her home. Beautiful pictures of the result of hours of hard work. Immediately I thought, "Why can't I do something like that?"
And then I realised that I do that a lot. The compare thing. Come on, you know you've done it too. The thing with depression though is that we do this a lot. We compare ourselves to others who aren't depressed because we can't understand how they are able to do normal everyday things when we aren't.
But if you've ever been depressed you already know this.
I noticed something new today.
I've functioned before.
I used to be the girl who had a need to decorate and rearrange furniture monthly. In the early years of our marriage Matt would come home from a day at work to find the entire house spotless and the furniture completely rearranged into something new and beautiful. I did this a lot.
Even in the past few years when my depression has really put down roots, I've had moments, sometimes even months when I function properly. Days where I'm filled with motivation, inspiration and energy. Days where I'm able to clean my house, be organized, laugh, and days when I'm even able to get out of my pajamas and wash my hair.
There are even blog posts to prove it.
But I don't remember them.
I remember the day, sure. I remember the result and I remember that I did in fact function without the weight of depression on my shoulders. But I don't remember what it feels like.
It's this lapse in memory that makes looking at others function properly so much harder to deal with.
Like some kind of emotional amnesia.
I can't be certain, but I wonder if others with depression go through the same thing.
I think this is where blogging works as a good personal therapy for depression. It's proof that depression doesn't keep me fully in the dark. It certainly tries, but blogging about the good times creates cracks in the darkness where a little light can shine through and remind me that at one point, I felt good.
Reminds me that I may feel broken, but I can be put back together again.