Here’s another concept which I find useful both with clients and in my own personal life. It's called the “SET” model of communication and I came across it in a little book about borderline personality disorder called “ I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me ”. It's an easy-to-remember concept that improves the effectiveness of communication in difficult situations when emotions are high.
Often when trying to work through a difficult issue with a person who is upset, the intended message gets lost in hurt feelings and misunderstanding. Here’s where the “SET” model comes in handy. “SET” stands for “Support, Empathy, Truth”. In emotionally fragile situations we too often try to tell our side of the story, i.e. our “truth”, when the other person is not very receptive for this information. The "SET" model teaches us to start by expressing supportive and empathetic comments which are are much more likely to be well received and set the stage for more effective communication.
A supportive comment (the "S" in "SET") is anything that lets the other person know your fundamental intention is not disrespectful. Even in cases when you vehemently disagree with the other person, there are ways to convey this in a supportive manner. It may be as simple as saying “I care about you” to a loved one, or “I'm not trying to give you a hard time” to someone who you are disagreeing with. The point is to convey what the philosopher Buber called the “I—Thou” relationship of fundamental respect rather than an “I-it” reduction of a person to an object to be manipulated or obstacle to be overcome.
Empathetic comments (the "E" of "SET") are often hard to convey to a person with an opposite opinion. Empathy is an active demonstration that you clearly understand the emotional experience of another person. It’s not enough to simply say “I know how you feel”. Detailed statements are much better, such as “I can imagine you feel very frustrated by my unwillingness to concede this point” or “It must be very awkward for you to have this conversation.”
It’s only after you have conveyed some sincere support and empathy that you are on good grounds to share your truth (the "T" of "SET") with the other party. It’s important that these comments be as genuine as possible rather than insincere attempts to "butter up" the other person. In this way the “SET” model forces you to look inward for greater clarity before engaging in an emotionally challenging conversation. When I am able to truly remind myself that you are not my enemy and that I have some understanding and respect for what it must be like in your shoes, then I am more likely to communicate with you in a manner that acknowledges our human connectedness. And heaven knows we need as much as that in the world as we can get.
So the SET model provides a useful way to navigate through difficult emotional waters, and I use it all the time. It takes practice to do it in a natural fashion, but even faltering steps toward this goal will usually pay off in the end. For more ideas about managing human relationships effectively, please contact me to arrange a private meeting where we can talk together in more depth about your particular situation.
Here’s another concept which I find useful both with clients and in my own personal life. It's called the “SET” model of communication and I came across it in a little book about borderline personality disorder called “ I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me ”. It's an easy-to-remember concept that improves the effectiveness of communication in difficult situations when emotions are high.
Often when trying to work through a difficult issue with a person who is upset, the intended message gets lost in hurt feelings and misunderstanding. Here’s where the “SET” model comes in handy. “SET” stands for “Support, Empathy, Truth”. In emotionally fragile situations we too often try to tell our side of the story, i.e. our “truth”, when the other person is not very receptive for this information. The "SET" model teaches us to start by expressing supportive and empathetic comments which are are much more likely to be well received and set the stage for more effective communication.
A supportive comment (the "S" in "SET") is anything that lets the other person know your fundamental intention is not disrespectful. Even in cases when you vehemently disagree with the other person, there are ways to convey this in a supportive manner. It may be as simple as saying “I care about you” to a loved one, or “I'm not trying to give you a hard time” to someone who you are disagreeing with. The point is to convey what the philosopher Buber called the “I—Thou” relationship of fundamental respect rather than an “I-it” reduction of a person to an object to be manipulated or obstacle to be overcome.
Empathetic comments (the "E" of "SET") are often hard to convey to a person with an opposite opinion. Empathy is an active demonstration that you clearly understand the emotional experience of another person. It’s not enough to simply say “I know how you feel”. Detailed statements are much better, such as “I can imagine you feel very frustrated by my unwillingness to concede this point” or “It must be very awkward for you to have this conversation.”
It’s only after you have conveyed some sincere support and empathy that you are on good grounds to share your truth (the "T" of "SET") with the other party. It’s important that these comments be as genuine as possible rather than insincere attempts to "butter up" the other person. In this way the “SET” model forces you to look inward for greater clarity before engaging in an emotionally challenging conversation. When I am able to truly remind myself that you are not my enemy and that I have some understanding and respect for what it must be like in your shoes, then I am more likely to communicate with you in a manner that acknowledges our human connectedness. And heaven knows we need as much as that in the world as we can get.
So the SET model provides a useful way to navigate through difficult emotional waters, and I use it all the time. It takes practice to do it in a natural fashion, but even faltering steps toward this goal will usually pay off in the end. For more ideas about managing human relationships effectively, please contact me to arrange a private meeting where we can talk together in more depth about your particular situation.