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"A rock and a hard place" ~ two posts today

Posted Sep 29 2008 11:55pm

To be honest, I have not been doing very well for the past few weeks and especially this week. I'm just more depressed. So, one I want to apologize as I have been having difficulty responding to comments on my blog and actually reading other people's blogs. I may visit, but I'm really not there.

Even with the concert, I'm not sure I enjoyed it or not. And, to really know I'm more depressed, I don't want to go shopping at Nordstrom. I used to go at least once a week. Even the store manager hugs me when he sees me. Everything is taking so much more effort and today for the first time in a long time, I woke up with the first thought being, "I want to die."

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he expressed some concern and he doesn't want to make any changes yet with my anti-depressants. He stated that he thinks that part of the increased depression is due to my weight gain which is due to my medication. This week I couldn't fit into any of my pants except for newly purchased expandable waist capris and shorts. Normally, I'd be happy to go out and purchase a new pair of jeans, but I was not. I now have officially in two years time, but especially this past year have gained enough weight to have clothing in seven different sizes. It is discouraging. My eating disorder symptoms have increased. I just feel fat and dumpy.

Anyway, I suggested changing the Invega to Risperdal which both have the same side effect of hyperprolactinimia which is basically I start to lactate. It actually is quite fascinating since I've never been pregnant and my little barely A cups have grown to D cups. But, all of this makes me feel as if I am in someone else's body. Anyway, the Risperdal doesn't have the weight gain side effect for me. I sure hope I can lose some weight. Oh, my psychiatrist was in agreement with the change. Once this is settled, we will discuss the anti-depressants.

Also, in therapy, I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. My depression, suicidal thoughts, and wanting to harm myself, increase when I talk about my feelings or being abused and they increase when I don't. So, either way I'm more depressed. I know talking about it is better, but I so don't want to feel the pain, sadness or rage. So, as a defense I go into all that other stuff. This week and the end of last week, I've been talking about things that my step-father's mother did to me or had me do. I have never, ever, ever talked about it before of even let myself think about it, so this naturally makes me more depressed and overwhelmed.
I'm just not in a good place and I keep thinking "I want to die."
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