PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ October 27, 2005 ~ Borderline abandonment fears!!
Posted Dec 18 2008 7:18pm
PAST JOURNAL ENTRY
Okay, I'm still writing about attachment, but I don't like it!! I can feel myself trying to disconnect by not calling when I needed to both today and over the weekend. In my head, I tell myself it isn't a big deal, not life or death, but it does make everything much more difficult. I guess too it is a little bit out of anger. Trying to go away without since while your gone I'm going to need to anyway. [This is a preemptive maneuver on my part basically saying I don't need you. I'm angry...borderline abandonment anger and fragmenting. I wasn't doing very well]
Whenever you go away or sometimes on the weekends or between sessions when it is rough for me, I feel really panicky that you are not there for me. Sometimes, it feels kind of crazy, disorganized, overwhelming and like I can't ground myself. I'm not really sure what that means. I feel a little lost and terrified. Sometimes, I have more panic attacks. I can feel the panic now. [People with borderline personality have very little sense of self and use the outside world to contain them, so my feelings are a reaction to this particular state.]
At work, the training today, was on panic disorders which I really didn't learn anything, but I could identify with a lot of it. Thought about waking up last night in a panic...feeling terrified. I woke up with my mouth open trying to scream, but couldn't make any sound. Night terrors. [Yes, he also agreed that his timing was not very good.]
Observations: Borderline personality disorder abandonment panic!!!! And, "why don't I fall apart before you leave me, to prove that you are abandoning me in my time of need and don't care about me." Yes, having borderline personality can be so fun...not.
On ironic and good thing that came out of writing this past entry is that Geoffrey is going out of town in a couple of weeks. Although I am having difficulty and the same issues, I realized that my feelings are not as intense and I am handling it a lot better and don't feel as ungrounded. Hooray, I have more of ME!!!