Now, it is time to confuse you again especially new readers. This blog started out the way that it has been posted for this past year with the addition of my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES. This was quite healing as I was able to tell my story to others and receive some feedback. Well, I am going to start adding my PAST JOURNAL ENTRIES again with my current day comments in [brackets]. All entries are address to my therapist, Gary, and was read to him during my sessions.
PAST JOURNAL ENTRY ~ January 26, 2006
I'm feeling really panicky and overwhelmed this morning. I again had difficulty trying to get ready...ended up sitting on the floor in the hall tearing up. Felt like, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Fells like I can't face the day...everything feels threatening and overwhelming. Almost like I'm afraid to leave the house. Feeling immobilized. I took my PRNs, so hopefully that will help. Feels like I just want to cry, wanting to bruise, cut and the suicidal thoughts are loud. [At this point in time, I am really depressed and working full time. It is beginning to take a toll on me.]
I haven't slept well for the past couple of nights. Kept having nightmares and flashbacks. Although, I only woke up a few times, I awoke in a panic, feeling trapped and like I couldn't escape and about to get slapped. [What doesn't come out during waking hours gets out somehow. I was beginning to learn that I needed to talk with my therapist about the thoughts and flashbacks that I was having.]
Last night, when you asked if I wanted to talk about the flashbacks, I wasn't sure, but when I left one of my first thoughts was I really wanted to talk. I get frustrated because I have to fight through so much just to feel, think or talk and sometimes, like last night, I wasn't very successful.
Last night, I felt bad about a couple of things you said. One, was not feeling safe for Adrian [husband] to come back to bed...felt like you were telling me that I should be able to do so. The other was talking about my mother last. I took it to mean that the stuff with my father and Gene [step-father] were not important or significant. [Borderline fragmenting.]
Comments and Observations: This journal entry was quite lengthy, so it is broken up into five parts for the remainder of the week.