hello again, internet. it’s been almost a year since i’ve even been to my site, let alone any others.
it’s been an extremely difficult year. i am not ready to get into why and i may never be. (not here at least) the good news from this year? i qualified for insurance via the (insert my occupation’s union).
please pinch me. 20 free acupuncture sessions a year? free contact lenses, frames? physicals? therapy? pretty much everything is nearly 100% covered except plastic surgery. wow, quite the drastic change from my previous plan which i paid countless dollars into for over a decade only to be pushed out of the plan when a doctor suggested i needed a hysterectomy.
now if i could just get to the place where i could schedule acupuncture. right now, it’s a task to get off the couch. i did have an acupuncture session a few months ago but nothing since. i’m back to that dark place. this go-around, very dark. lately i have been thinking this world, my friends and family would be better off without me. i’ve wondered if i’m worth more dead than alive. the list is long and i am frightened that i’m even thinking these thoughts, to say the least.
i question what is going on with my….mind. unresolved trauma? i worked several back-to-back jobs and never returned to the sexual assault crisis center after the required absence due to the nature of my job. do i truly have a mental illness? i’m still putting my money on unresolved trauma but i don’t even know where to begin to heal. i’ve tried so many times and failed just as many. i know pills are not the answer. they are a temporary fix and sometimes a deadly one. but i am back on lamictal…of all of the drugs out there, it’s the only one i had very few side effects on. and until i can get out of this dark, dark place and figure things out, i feel it’s the only option. i will admit though, calling my doctor and filling that prescription was not easy.
however, this is me, now: no energy. no ambition. no hope. i feel next to nothing. it’s a place i’m familiar with and extremely tired of. i want it to stop. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to laugh. i want the cycle, that begin at the age of 13 when i saw my first therapist, to STOP.
i want…i really, really want to find my version of dr. paul weston (from HBO’s ‘In Treatment’) we watched season 2 a month or so ago and i can’t get him out of my head. i’ve seen countless therapists and i’ve never met anyone that comes close to him.
maybe that’s why he’s fictional.
but i know there’s a good therapist out there and i’m going to find him or her. i will not give up. no matter the dark thoughts i’m having, i guess i do still have hope after all. i will get through this, i’m just tired of the constant set backs.