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Posted Aug 23 2008 3:05pm
A couple of weeks ago, my borderline tendencies got the better of me and a situation escalated to a point where I almost killed myself and almost got myself admitted to the loony bin again.

It was resolved over several phone calls and a meeting with V.

I'll admit it, I was difficult, and I was aware I was difficult, but when everything exploded in my face, I broke down and cried. I was almost certain V was going to terminate our relationship based on my bad behaviour. It became like a deja-vu. Somehow I knew I'd gotten myself into bad trouble (how, I'm never really sure, but I did know people were angry and upset with me) and was only expecting to be punished somehow by being abandoned. People turning their backs on me - happens so much to me, it felt devastating, but I also knew there wasn't anything I could do in the face of it.

But V didn't abandon me. we talked about it. I made an effort. I came around, and V said she was impressed and proud of the way I'd dealt with the fallout. She didn't just blame me entirely for the incident - she said there were probably other ways she could have reacted, but we all did the best we could at the time, and we could still do better.

Sometimes it's so hard for me to understand why V would care about me. But she said she did. Several times, so it would stick.

I'm not proud of the way I reacted either. But I did try to make it up when I was made aware of the effect my behaviour was having on people.
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