Numb

Numbness. A slow sucking kind of numbness, reaching deep into the heart and mind. I can barely breathe – the air feels so weighted, so heavy, so dense. I’m fighting through all this density, my muscles burning, screaming with pain. Why is this so hard?

How do I feel?, I keep asking myself. I don’t feel anything. Just numb. Tired. Exhausted. Afraid – afraid to feel?

The alarm goes off in the darkness again. 6.18am. It beeps no more than twice before I shut it off. I can’t do this. But I do.

I can’t separate my beliefs from facts, the illusions and the reality of this world. It’s all a jumbled mess. Too many knots, too many twisted thinking. I can’t do this.

I went to see my pdoc just now. I told him I wanted to go back to 400mg Seroquel – that my inability/struggle to wake up in the mornings just isn’t worth it. He said OK. This time he didn’t call me “aloof” and other unkind names. Maybe it was because V sat in on the session. Overall, I think it was the best session I’ve had with him ever.

Yet – how do I sort out the tumult in my brain? I keep thinking, I can’t do this. But I do.

Maybe the decrease in the med dose will help. I’ll let time tell.