The last ten days have been really stressful one way or another. I had been on a high and i know it wasn’t the best idea to let it carry on but the alternative of depression didn’t feel like an option. The trouble was that to keep the high i had to increase the dose of sertraline and keep my lamotragine at 100mg instead of increasing it. Unfortunately my high turned into rapid cycling. This wasn’t too bad to start with as the lows weren’t too bad. I went to work and noticed that i had started to become aggitated too. When i came back i had a couple of stressful events to deal with that didn’t help my mood. I saw my psychologist and did not have a good meeting with her. I am still trying to work out whether it is because of the way my moods were cycling or whether it was because she was being confronting and quite frankly seemed a little pissed off at me. As ever she was insistent on talking about medication, she stressed that although medication wasn’t her field we talked about it so much because she feels it is an issue with me, i suppose this is true. At our last meeting she had said that she didn’t feel that i had taken all of the DBT skills on board and that i only used them here and there and picked and chosed what i used. This now is apparently a problem, they don’t seem to think that i have taken DBT seriously. Again at our last meeting she had suggested keeping our weekly sessions for another 3 months and then start to reduce it. However, at there team meeting it hasa been suggested that i have 2 weekly sessions and reduce wuiet quickly, this has caught me off guard. I told her that although i don’t actively sit there and think what DBT skills are going to help me in this situation most of the time, when things are bad or a situation difficult i do do that. I can’t help it if in the last few weeks because of my high there basically haven’t been any difficult situations that i have felt i couldn’t deal with. Therefore when i have gone to group i haven’t really had anything to discuss. I am annoyed about the way my time in DBT is coming to an end. It would seem that the object of DBT is to help you manage bad coping habits and stressful events and stuff. But when you come in and say well actually i am coping quite well and there hasn’t been any major issues this week that i have had to actively use skills for then you are accused of not taking it seriously. Surely this is the aim of DBT especially when you are nearing the end i would assume that the aquisition of these skills and the fact that you have absorbed them into your life and don’t have to actively think about them they just come naturally is a good thing. I suppose part of the problem is my mood swings. When i am well and have “normal mood” then i cope well. When i am high/hypomanic then nothing is a problem i am confident and capable, but when i am low then i crash and usually big time, which is when i would use the skills more and this is what i do. I can’t help my moods they decide when they want to appear. Anyway all this has left me feeling very negative about the whole thing, i don’t want to go to group, it is making me feel paranoid, they are making assessments about me that i have no chance to question. I came away from my appointment with my psychologist feeling really flat and decided it was time to stop the sertraline which i did. I don’t even feel like going to my next appointment with her as she feels she is just acting as a support and not doing what she is supposed to be doing, talking about DBT skills. It has been more of a counselling thing than the DBT thing it is supposed to be. Surely it is about what works for the individual person. Maybe i should return to drinking, ODing and severe suicidal thoughts and attempts as coping skills so that we can talk about SKILLs when i see her.
Any way this may well happen, my mood has crashed big time since dropping the sertraline. I saw my care coordinator on friday and she was really concerned she has recently upped her visits to once a week and when she saw me on friday she commented on how my mood had switched. I was asked if i wanted to go to the crisis house for a few days, this is not really an option as my past history of staying there is not good and i don’t want to be away from home. She suggested the home treatment team to support me at home, again this isn’t really an option, i have to go to work, i have no choice, i can’t go sick and i need the money, also my past history with them is not spectatcular though the last time i had them it did go well, mainly because when i came out of hospital i didn’t really need them.My diagnosis has been changed since the last time they were involved because of my mood so maybe they would treat more seriously than when they thought i had a personality disorder, i feel sorry for anyone with that diagnosis who has to deal with them. Thats been put off until i get back from work and i will see my care coordinator on wednesday morning to reassess the situation.
I hate feeling like this, the thought of these cycles continuing does not fill me with hope, i am in despair. I am setting myself targets and telling myself if i can just make it through to this event then that is an achievement, even though it does not feel like it. My mums anniversary is looming which is never a good time, i hadn’t even thought about it until i crashed now it is starting to consume me. I am trying to be positive and push the continuous negative thoughts away i suppose i am being quite successful at athe moment in doing that the question is how long can i keep it up the thoughts are growing stronger and my motivation is growing weaker.