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No Diet Talk - Part One

Posted May 06 2013 6:36am
Most of my self esteem problems revolved around my weight.

It seems logical to most. After all, I am fat. According to the BMI scale (which is bogus), I am obese.

But my self esteem issues regarding my weight began when I was technically at BMI standard "normal" weight. I was a young teenager developing curves in all the right places, some areas a bit larger than others (thanks to plump backsides that run through my genetics). I had breasts when entering middle school and was wearing a wired C cup long before any of my friends left their training bras behind them. I had curvy hips, a shapely ass and according to my husband - my curves were very noticeable (and pleasing to the eye) when I entered High School.

Unfortunately due to previous bullying and comparisons to my classmates, I was under the strange belief that I was incredibly fat. And "fat" was a bad thing.

This low self esteem and unhealthy view of my own body caused me to fight too hard for the attention boys naturally gave me, lower my standards and completely abandon my integrity. I believed that I had to force my body to do things to be pleasing to boys since it must have been extra hard for them to look at me. Even now I still have issues with my body, despite the fact that I have a husband who loves it! He found me beautiful and sexy back then when I was thin+curves and he finds me beautiful and sexy with lots and lots more curves.

But back then it didn't seem to matter to me. It also didn't seem to matter what I ate or how or how much I exercised. I ate the same foods as my younger sister (who was several sizes smaller than me). I walked everywhere (due to lack of a car) and I was one of few teenagers that actually hated ice cream, pizza and most fast foods. My only food vices were Top Ramen and Pepsi, but even then it's not all I lived off of. And yet, I gained weight. This sudden weight gain also occurred during the year after my Grandmother's death when I was put on anti-depressants as well as birth control, both medications wildly known for causing weight gain. But that didn't matter. I was just fat. And fatness breeds more fatness. And more fatness breeds a "fuck it" attitude.

There have been times during my life when I've been unhealthy in regards to my weight. Once, due to poor diet I had an enlarged liver - and I totally accept responsibility for that. Once, due to poor diet I had high cholesterol - and I totally accept responsibility for that. I should mention that by "enlarged" and "high" I mean to say barely over what's considered "normal". And also both problems were corrected within a few months of the original test.

There have been times during my life when I've caused unhealthy behaviors and injuries in an attempt to lose extreme amounts of weight.
  • I severely injured my left knee (which is already weak due to broken legs when I was two) during an aerobics class when I decided I needed that extra push. 
  • I actually tore muscle tissue in my left bicep because I was lifting weights WAY too heavy for my then strength level. 
  • I started smoking when I was a very young teenager because I was told it helps you lose weight. I continued smoking on and off for years thanks to addiction, a strange genuine love of cigarettes after years of smoking, and assuming that if I quit, I'd gain weight. 
  • I avoided seeking help for my depression partly because I knew anti-depressants caused weight gain. 
  • I've been on starvation diets, fad diets, vegan diets, low carb diets, cabbage soup diets, low calorie diets. 
  • I've taken diet supplements that did work, diet supplements that didn't work, and diet pills that made me pass out. 
  • I grew to hate my body so much that I began self harming as a coping mechanism to deal with stress and body image issues. 
  • Once, I Googled "how to become bulimic without killing yourself"
Because once you're so far into the world of body hatred and fat shaming, you'd rather almost die than be fat. After all, fat people are unhealthy anyways.

But here's the kicker... my numbers are in the normal healthy range. The only thing my fat is doing is putting stress on my self esteem and making me not accept the health I currently have. I do have several conditions that make me unhealthy. I have Fibromyalgia. I have anxiety, depression and OCD. I have fertility problems. All of these are conditions that are not caused by obesity. In fact, in an attempt to lose weight quickly, I pushed myself too hard and ended up triggering a massive FMS flare up that put me down for over a month!

So no more diets!

It stops now! 

(Come back tomorrow for Part Two)
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