I re-read my previous post with absolute bewilderment this morning as I got into work, half an hour late as usual. As I read it line to line I felt pathetic and angry; disconnected from the world with zero hope or ambition. I want nothing more than to go home, snort some klonopin, and get as drunk as I can. Every second that I am separated from the real world is a gift. The incessant stream of obsessive thoughts is enough to bear without the added frustration of severe depression.
I feel as though I am out of options. I can't conceptualize a promising future for myself so what am I doing? I can't continue this fraudulent expression of normality at work or home, it's played it's role and now I am unwilling to pretend any more. The saddest part of all of this isn't that I'm an absolute wreck, it's that I can't bare the immense shame this makes me feel. I think so little of myself yet the impact of this on my family and friends is topping the list of reasons why I don't want to exist. As my former therapist has told me, "you got a shitty hand". I agree, I have the mental problems to legitimize these thoughts...this does not assuage my emotional state. This does not make everything OK. I am not a 14 year old who got dumped and now sees no reason for living. I am almost 26 and should be doing my best to make something of myself. I should be planning for my future but all I can do at this point is think of the past and hate myself for the mistakes I have made.
I consider myself a realist. I see the world for what it is; what I am. I'm an insignificant being on an insignificant "pale blue dot" in the universe. My insignificance is defined by the tiny amount of impact I have on only a handful of people in this world. I know many of you out there turn to god to help with your problems. Religion does not play a role in my life so I will not be a hypocrite and turn to a deity just to pretend It's making me feel better. However, it's not my aim to discredit religion in this post so I won't even go there.
I suppose I'm just drain clouting the fact that I don't want to be alive any more. I don't wear my seat belt anymore, I don't look both ways before crossing the street and I don't go out of my way to shy away from the everyday dangers. I have even stopped asking restaurants if they use peanut oil. If I get a severe reaction then maybe that is my way out of the world, a way which will not force me to take matters into my own hands. I take chances every day just to see if I have the balls to do what needs to be done. It's almost liberating to experience these types of situations, and at times it makes me feel better.
I'm getting closer and closer to becoming "unafraid"...