I want to apologize to everyone because the past couple of weeks, I’ve been really inconsistent in reading blogs, making comments and responding to comments. I’ve been preoccupied with a tumor in my right underarm. Monday, I finally had my appointment with the surgeon in which I became very angry. I had my husband with me because with what I’m doing in therapy, I didn’t want anyone touching me. Makes it hard for one to do an examination. Anyway, when I made the appointment a week and a half previous to the appointment, I was told that they accept my insurance and that the doctor worked out of the hospital that I wanted to go to.
Arrived at the office, gave the front desk my forms and they asked for the co-pay. I told her that there is no co-pay for an out-of-network provider. So, I asked, “Is the doctor an in-network provider.” Answer, “Well, I don’t know if we accept your insurance?” Reply, “Can you check?” Answer, “No, that is what you should have done before your appointment.” Okay at this point my blood pressure is rising. For those of you who don’t know, the office is supposed to verify benefits prior to your appointment. After some lengthy conversations and my husband calling our insurance company who said the office should know and they would have more updated records. The office person basically kept saying that it was the patient’s responsibility to pay and that there was no way for her to check eligibility.
In the meantime, while my husband was talking to the front desk. I called my doctor’s office and explained what was occurring and the office manager was appalled and gave me the name and telephone number of another surgeon who I called and made an appointment for Wednesday. I went back in at told her that since they cannot tell me whether they accept my insurance or not that I was going to go to another surgeon and that I wanted all of my file and that “you will not be charging me for this visit.” (24-hour cancellations fee thingy)
I basically did what I would have done for a client, but I was doing it for myself. My husband said that he was impressed because I was clear, to the point, and very calm…I was professional, but they were not. He was also angry. There was also a waiting room full of people who heard every word that we said. The moment the door closed and we were outside, I said, “Bitch!.” After all that, even though I know that the surgeon is excellent, it isn’t worth dealing with the front office and the “bitchy” nurse.
In the meantime, I’ve been dealing with my homicidal rage toward my step-father, flashbacks of what occurred in the garage, and flashbacks of the homicidal fantasies that I had during the abuse. And, I was not talking about it. So, basically I went into overwhelmed, fragmenting borderlineville and left a couple of really nasty messages on my therapist’s answering machine. He set some boundaries with me which were difficult and then, I had to deal with my reaction to that and him being slightly angry with me.
He said that he took care of his anger by expressing it to me as he felt that I could handle it now, so he was no longer angry. In my head, he was still angry and he was going to make me “pay.” Also, I still needed to do something because what he was telling me wasn’t the truth. Still not talking about the homicidal rage which is making my suicidal thoughts, wanting to injure myself, nightmares, waking up at 2am everyday, agitation, and hypervigilance increase (they are defenses against feeling the rage).
Then, I met with the new surgeon on Wednesday and everything was perfect even the parking. I really like the doctor and the front office and they are within HIIPA regulations. The tumor could be a lipoma, simply a fatty tissue mass, or another benign type of tumor or a cancerous one. After discussing the options, I decided that I want to have it completely removed. The surgeon then said, “Good, that is what I would have wanted to do.” So, I am having surgery on October 15 which is the main week that my therapist will be on vacation, so I’ll be focused on recuperating and sleeping lots. It works out good. (Oh, the new surgeon is going to discuss my experience with the other surgeon. This is good because I don’t want the doctor to get into trouble, but he needs to know what is going on.)
Today I have a 1 ½ hour session to talk about what I’ve been avoiding and we have a joint session with my husband scheduled for Tuesday to discuss what happened in the garage. This whole thing is beginning to really interfere in our relationship as I want to really hurt my husband (defense) and he doesn’t know what has happened in the garage. He respectfully doesn’t read my blog. I figured that instead of pushing him away and not talking about my flashbacks and what I want to do that I would have the joint session to hopefully open the way for me to let him be supportive and someone that I can talk to.
Needless to say, I’ve been having a really difficult time. I don’t feel scared about the surgery and wonder if God has given me some peace about it as normally I would be bouncing off the walls. Or, maybe I am and I’m not aware of it? Am I pushing it? Not really because I so need to talk. By not talking, I become more symptomatic and feel horrible. By talking, I might become more symptomatic, but feel relieved and increase my supports. Anyone want to trade places with me for a month or so? So, I hope you understand if I continue to be inconsistent for awhile as I am going up and down with what I can handle.
(Oh, for those of you that I usually correspond with via email. I'm sorry that I did not email you, but I am kinda pushing people that are close to me away right now...I'll get it together soon. I think? I hope you understand.)