I'm horrible at expressing myself sometimes... especially when it comes to my husband. Like most men, he's not that great at communicating, but I can't blame him for that - it's just how their brains are wired! So if this is how I have to express my thoughts, then so be it...I'm much better when I write my thoughts down because I'm able to say everything that's on my mind and not forget something (like I would if I were to have a face-to-face conversation).
Even though I'm starting to see some progress with my current bout of depression, I still know that I have a lot of work ahead of me. That being said, I can not help but feel constant guilt that my husband has to constantly deal with my up and down moods on a regular basis. He is such a kind, loving person and I just feel that he deserves better. I'm not saying that I'm a bad person, but I just feel like "why should he have to put his life on hold until while I'm trying to get my life together?" He continually reassures me that he IS happy, and that I just worry to much (which I do). Even so, I can't help but blame him if he would want out. After all, marriage is about sharing this journey of life together - and it should be enjoyable (granted - even if I didn't have depression there would still be ups and downs - but this is just getting annoying - myconstant episodes of depression. I feel like I'm the "party pooper" in this marriage!)
I've been stressed and thinking about this for a long time now. Yes, when he married me he knew of my depression, and he has seen me go through some very rough times in my life. It's not like he didn't know what he was in for. At the same time, maybe he thought I would get better and should be better by now? I know I certainly have had the same thoughts about my life! Yet he continues to be there for me - each and every single time I spiral downwards .
I'm telling you, he is the most supportive, caring, sincere person I have ever met. I know that I am truly blessed and lucky to have him in my life. I honestly do not know what I would do without his love and support. I definitely do not take him for granted. However, having depression makes it hard for me to tell him how grateful I am. Depression also makes me feel like it's not fair of me to make him live his life this way. He deserves to be happy and I can't give him happy (from me anyway) right now. All I offer in this marriage is my sheer existence... someone who sits on the couch day after day who can't find the energy to do the laundry, change the cat litter, take out the garbage, do the dishes, cook any meals, etc. So guess who ends up doing all of that? Yep, my husband - as if he doesn't have enough on his plate already... HE's the one with the JOB - not me!
To make matters worse I had to recently change my drugs around again, and as a result, I've been terribly cranky and down right mean to him - of all people! (When the meds are working properly they stabilize my mood and I don't get these intense feelings of anger.) I hate that I snap at him over everything, because he doesn't deserve it. When I'm depressed, this rage just comes over me - out of the blue - and I never know what stupid little thing will set me off... I know if I was him I would have lost my patience a long time ago!
All I want is to be a better wife. But being a better wife means being a better ME. I wish I had the motivation to want to do things - to go out and to enjoy myself, but I just can't right now. I feel like he's so bored. He works hard all week and then when the weekend comes we really don't do much. I can't even think of things to do, let alone actually do them. It doesn't help that winter is right around the corner either - making my struggle with depression even harder. Every year I brace myself for the inevitable, and every year I barely make it through. I suppose - on the positive side - the fact that I DO make it through is an accomplishment!
So, for my husband's sake, I hope I get better sooner rather than later. I know I'm a lot better than I was a year ago - that's for sure -and that's something to be proud of. It always helps to stop and take a moment to assess your life and where you're at. I know I'm hard on myself - no one can make me feel worse about myself than I do... and I need to learn to be a heck of a lot nicer to ME. I know that working on myself is the only way out of this mess - and that is what I'm currently doing - so I guess I can't ask for any more than that. It would definitely be an issue if I wasn't doing anything about it, that's for sure.
With all of this being said - to mylovinghusband - thank you for hanging in there and sticking by my side time after time. You mean more to me that you'll ever know. I've been through a LOT of crap in my life (which you already know) and continue to go through more and more - but the one thing that has been the BEST thing that has ever happened to me is YOU. I love you more than words can say.
I hope for those of you suffering from depression, or any other mental illness, that you have someone in your life - whether it be a spouse, a partner, a sibling, a parent, a relative, a friend, a co-worker - someone - who continues to stand by your side through all your ups and downs and does not judge you for it. Know that you are blessed to have such a person like that in your life - and if you can - please tell them so!