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My Biggest Fear

Posted Feb 01 2009 9:04am

Are you ever frightened to go to sleep at the end of a really good day? I am. I am terrified that I will close my eyes, drift off into a blissful slumber only to awake in the shackles of depression the next morning.

No matter how good I’m doing, I always go to sleep with this fear in mind and I always pray that tomorrow will be great.

Part of me wishes I could forget the five agonizing years I spent struggling with undiagnosed depression. I wish I could forget the hopelessness, the darkness and the overwhelming exhaustion. I wish I could forever purge those memories from my mind.

I also wish I could erase all the relapses I’ve suffered since. The ones that lasted for just a few days to the ones that hung on for months have all been seared into my memory. It’s a pain you never forget.

Even now that I’m in a very good place, I worry.

I wish I could be cured from depression. I wish that I could take a pill just once, or even just for a few years and be all-better. In this fantasy, once cured I would never have to fear a relapse again.

Instead I take a pill every night and have for the last 15 years. Instead I face a lifetime of taking these pills; the pills that cause weight gain, fatigue and sometimes nausea. It’s funny how the crappy side effects can’t compare to depression and how bad it really is.

So as night settles in around me, I voice my usually silent fears to you and hope that tomorrow is just as bright as today.


Jamie has suffered with depression since she was 12 years old, but wasn't diagnosed until she was 17. Today she shares her experiences of living a full life while facing down depression on her blog.

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