I feel i am being defined by my mentalness now. I spent 40 years of my life without mental health issues(some would say debatable) and now all anyone can see about me, if they know me is my mental health issues. Friends and at the moment work all see me as a mentalist someone not to be trusted because she might lose it in the wrong place at the wrong time and more importantly they might have to deal with it. I feel that this is going to follow me for ever now I am worrying that if i change my career path that it will follow me into that as well it will be my defining moment in my whole life no matter what i do to over come it. I have accepted that it is now part of me, never far away lurking in the wings. However, it is not the whole me their is much more to me than my mentalness.
I have said my daughter can have a party today for valentines day, I am extremely nervous about the whole thing, 30 teenagers in my house is going to be very stressful. The question of alcohol has arisen i know they are going to drink. I am definately not supplying any and have said anyone openly drinking will be ejected. My daughter is not amused but has gone along with it as she wants the party. I don’t get young peoples obsession with alcohol surely they are young enough to learn how to have fun without getting slaughtered they have all the time in the world to do that. Hopefully it will all go well tonight i am crossing my fingers and toes and hoping i won’t regret it. I have every faith that my daughter won’t let me down, it’s just whether her friends let her down.
College is going well so far, i have three assignments to hand in in the next 2 weeks. The work load is quite heavy but i am trying my best to do some everyday and not let it build up. I still get really anxious at the thought of going and when i am there but i have realised that many of the other students are feeling the same way. My slip last weekend has made me realise i don’t need to do those things to stay on top of anything they will just hinder me and cause me more stress. Friends keep telling me that they are amazed that i am coping and doing all that i am doing. I feel i am hanging on my the skin of my teeth to it all but at least at the moment i am hanging on.