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Manic Depressive Illness- My Fear of Sanity-Why I tried to Create an Episode

Posted Aug 22 2011 6:29pm

It’s been an odd few days.  As I noted in my previous post , my toilet broke again, causing a flood of emotions and stress. But through all the mess, my mind was stable and I didn’t fall apart. It’s been like this for about a week. Most people would be happy with stability but I’m scared of it. I have been unstable for so many years that I fear stability, because it doesn’t feel normal. It’s odd, it’s scary, it’s unnerving and it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel weird writing about this because I have made so much progress in the last month, that I should be happy I’m stable. But I’m not.  Ever since I was diagnosed with manic depressive illness (I was diagnosed about two years ago as Bipolar I, Mixed Episodes, OCD and a mild form Agoraphobia. I also suffer from an un-diagnosed anxiety disorder), I have been fighting a battle with my mind and my surroundings. It hasn’t been easy, in fact I have hit rock bottom so many times that I’m comfortable with failure and pain.

So the other day when my toilet broke, I freaked out because I was calm. I didn’t know what to do. I called my mom and tried to act “crazy,” hoping that if I kept pushing myself towards insanity I would have a mental breakdown. Nothing happened. I hung up on my mom and tried to walk around my apartment, telling myself I was worthless, crazy and ill. I tried to force my mind to race but it refused to function. In fact, the voice that has haunted me for almost a decade was silent, making me even angrier. By that time I was running around my apartment- yelling at the walls, ignoring my phone and hoping that I would breakdown. Eventually I answered the phone, talked with my mom and walked over to the manager’s apartment. He wasn’t home. Maybe this is how I can create panic in my mind! The manager isn’t home, he doesn’t care about me, in fact he is going to ignore me so that my problem grows!  No one wants to help me because I am a lost cause. My mind is fucked.

Again nothing happened.

About ten minutes later, the apartment manager walked through the front gate and greeted me. I told him that the toilet had broken again, which caused my bathroom to flood. He wasn’t mad, in fact he was very supportive and frustrated that my toilet had backed up again.  M (the manager) immediately called a plumber. About two hours later the plumber arrived, entered my apartment and began working on my toilet. Unfortunately, my mind was still stable…

I still can’t believe I tried to force myself to fall apart. It’s been a few days since my toilet broke and I’m still stable. I don’t know why.  I can’t believe I’m thinking like this- like is said in the above paragraphs, I should be happy that I’m stable instead trying to destroy my mental health.

I’m going to stop writing about this and open up this discussion to my readers: do any of you struggle with your sanity and/or sobriety? If so what have you done to overcome these feelings?

I hope you are all doing well!


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