The last few days have been bizarre as my mind has been flooded by old memories (as noted in one of my previous posts, most of my childhood is a blur. the old memories were destroyed in favor of new ones, or at least that is what I have been told), causing me to reminisce about my past and re-evaluate my current situation. The memories have been coming back in small fragments; at times it’s hard to separate the memories…
(usually this happens when my mind is free to think- when I shower, before I go to bed and when I am driving. That is why I spend so much time watching TV and playing video games, it keeps my mind clear and keeps me from my own thoughts. My plan is to expand upon this in a future post, linking my drug use to my constant need to forget. At times I am afraid to allow my thoughts to roam free, because my mind can be fucked up)
…from reality as my mind has been slipping- a result of stress, drug use and too much sleep. It hurts when these memories come back because they force me to remember a time prior to my drug abuse and prior to my diagnosis with Manic Depressive Illness. This was a time when I was still innocent and thought the world was a safe place to live in.
I can’t focus.
My mind is swirling with different memories and thoughts and it’s driving me crazy. The more I remember the more depressed I become, forcing me to find solace in horrible places.
I have to stop this post here. I am still struggling with motivation and writer’s block (it has taken me almost an hour to write this post. I have deleted and re-written and deleted the post numerous times) but I have figured out why: I am scared that I will run out of things to write about. Yes, I know that sounds trivial, however, my mind sees this as a debilitating problem. It is really frustrating because writing makes me happy and not being able to write furthers my depression and paranoia…I had to force myself to write tonight, which is why this post if very disjointed and confusing- it almost mirrors my thought process.