Manic Depressive Illness: Isolation, Isolation, Isolation!!! Is There a Way Out?
Posted Sep 12 2011 6:02pm
As you might have noticed, I haven’t posted in a few days. Ever since my Partial Hospitalization program ended, I have been in a daze. I rarely leave my apartment and when I do it’s to only get food. Most of my time is spent in front of the TV, watching hours and hours of shows, pretending the world outside my front door does not exist. My motivation to write has completely evaporated- it feels like I have been drained of all my ideas and creativity. It truly is amazing what isolation can do to your mind, body and soul.
I’m lost and I feel like I will never get out of this hole.
The most frustrating part is that I thought I had overcome my isolation/problems when I completed my program. I guess I was wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared to leave my apartment. I’m scared to be around other people. And I’m scared that I won’t break out of this cycle. It’s amazing how much destruction isolation can cause.
It has taken almost all of my energy to write this post. I spent most of the morning (well, I didn’t wake up until 11:45am. Unfortunately, this has become a habit. I go to bed late and wake up late) staring at blank screen, frustrated that I haven’t written in almost four days. What makes this even worse is that writing helps me with my depression. And when I can’t write, I’m usually overwhelmed by dark and disturbing thoughts.
It’s amazing how much destruction isolation can cause.
The medication I am currently taking has provided me with balance and stability. I have only experienced a few manic or depressive episodes in the last month. Usually, when I isolate I am extremely depressed. But I’m not depressed, instead I am paranoid and anxious. The voice in my head (the dark voice I have talked about in previous posts) has been taunting me for the last few weeks and refuses to leave my head. I have been trying to combat it with an anti-anxiety med (I am not taking a benzo due to my prior addictions, rather it’s an anti-histamine that also reduces anxiety), but that only reduces the voice, it does not destroy it.
It’s amazing how much pain isolation can cause.
The easy answer would be to go outside and meet other people; unfortunately, the problem is a lot more complicated. I’m scared to death of meeting new people and I am afraid to go outside. Combine that with my extremely low self-confidence and you can see why I hide in my apartment. I know this entire post is me feeling sorry for myself- but I needed to get this out. I needed to force myself to write again so that maybe I can convince myself that change is possible. I’m sick of staying in isolation, but I don’t know if I can break out of this.
I’m glad that I finally was able to convince myself to write. But I need to end this post and I want to open up this discussion to my readers:
What are some ways I can gradually push myself to leave my apartment?
Do you have any tips or personal stories of your own isolation?