Updating the letter this month was a bit difficult. Mostly because I decided to take a break away from blogging, which oddly takes me away from the computer in general. I've been doing more offline lately.
Not only that, but I've been exploring myself emotionally and spiritually and have come to realise that I have a terrible self body image, and that's not right. I drink water, I eat healthy and while I don't exercise as much as I'd like, I'm not completely incapable of movement. I'm not entirely unhealthy. So why do I put so much effort (in the letters too) about my weight? Because of what other people say and think. And that's not right.
In my recent fertility efforts, I've started thinking more about who I am as a person and how that will effect my children and I do not ever want them to think that they are not beautiful and wonderful as they are. So I'm taking a lot of concentration off of my weight and focusing on my health: mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I am fat, and fat is still beautiful and can still be healthy.
I am still going to update my weight in the letters, because I'm fickle and I change my mind constantly, and I do still want to see progress or at least how my body changes with what I'm doing.
Update: Lack of motivation actually came up yesterday. OCD takes a strong hold of me sometimes, so my sister intervened on my behalf and when I lacked the ability to motivate myself, she added in her little talent of bossing me around, which was exactly what I needed! I can't believe my wedding anniversary is approaching this week. Nine years. Wow. I'll probably do a blog post on that for sure. While there's not a set date planned for it, we do have ideas floating around and it'll be wonderful.
Update: Mental illness still does not define me. It's a part of who I am. And I'm learning more about the other pieces of me that are not my definition. This has been a month of great change and progress.
Update: 241 this week! Not sure why because I haven't changed anything except hormones, and frankly that could in fact do it. Water retention has been high the past few weeks!
2010 - 2011 - 2012
Me in my fabulous new red wig. I'm obsessed with my wigs now. They are my new favorite accessory, especially this red one that somehow makes me feel younger. Looking back at the pictures and these letters, I'm really glad I keep doing them. It's a way to preserve who I am at that moment in time. I hope to be able to share these with my children one day.