I've reached a period of my life where I feel like I'm just living. I'm not struggling through a mess of depression and pain, waiting for relief. I'm also not on cloud 9 waiting for reality to hit me hard. This is life and I'm living it. Some days are good, some days are bad, but not so good or bad that I lose sight of the important things or sit back and nervously wait for the storm to roll in.
It's a good feeling to just feel alive.
There are still struggles certainly, but I feel like with putting a good percentage of the body image issues behind me (or at least sealing the cracks in a very broken foundation) I have time and energy to focus on things that really matter. Love and health and finding purpose in the world. August has been full of that. Looking for purpose.
Update: I can proudly declare that weight is not the problem, or even a problem at that! Wow. I'm just remembering myself last year, starving on a chemical diet and literally starving. Sure there were days when I thought, "Wow this is amazing! I'm not even hungry and I'm going to lose so much weight and finally be worth something!" Of course that type of thinking is just so harmful, especially when the following day I'd catch myself staring at a piece of bread, imaging rolling around naked with it. Diets were never the answer to my problems. I'm so glad that I've been clear of that thinking for a year now.
Update: Still trying. Sometimes unfortunately with health issues (ie: fertility meds) I'm down more than I'm up. But still looking for the good and incredible. This morning I just sat for a few minutes watching my husband sleep. It was peaceful and wonderful and I wanted to just run my hand against his cheek but was afraid he'd wake up - cause that man is NOT a morning person and his grouchy face would totally kill my buzz.
Update: Guess what?! Still doesn't matter! I'm at 245 lbs and looking back I actually feel better this year than I did last year when I weighed 233. It doesn't matter! I've spent the last few years writing Love, Yourself and bouncing around the same ten to fifteen pounds and not a damn bit of it ever made a difference! I felt shitty when I was heavier, but then I also felt shitty when I was ten pounds lighter. I had lots of energy when I was lighter and the same amount or more when I was heavier. What matter now is that I'm happier!