Daddy cut off my allowance. Daddy don't love me no more.
Talked to my therapist about this last night. My therapist told me that it is okay to feel hurt over this, so I guess it's okay to write about it.
My father has been extremely patient and generous with me since I left the world of medicine. I don't like being dependent on my father for money, yet I still dragged my feet as far as becoming financially independent. A few months ago, I asked my father for money to pay for an online course in medical transcription. I told him I would have a job within 6 months and be able to pay my own living expenses. He said okay.
I have kept him up to date with my progress in the course. He knows that I have not yet finished the course. I called him two weeks ago. After a minute and a half of one-word answers to my questions, he hung up. He has since been in New York City on business, but I have not heard from him. I expect that I never will.
Now, I knew the day would come when my father would stop financial support. At 42, I am way too old for an allowance. I guess I thought that he would at least be man enough to come right out and say so rather than simply hang up on me.
My father shows his love with money. When he talks about how much he loves his family, it's always about the financial support he has provided. My father worked hard all of his life to provide for the family. He has very specific hopes and dreams for his family. None of us have met his expectations. It wasn't for a lack of trying. Lord knows that each of us have done our best to please that man. We just don't measure up to the standard he set. No matter what we do, we never will.
Earlier I mentioned that I have been dragging my feet on finding a job. I think I figured out why. I shattered my father's dreams by not finishing my medical training and going into practice. But I knew in my heart that if my dad helped me financially, he still loved me. To me, financial support IS love.
So I can't pay the rent, can't pay for medications. Heck, I didn't even pay my therapist last night. But what bothers me most? Daddy doesn't love me anymore.