One minute the world is a beautiful place where the opportunities and possibilities are endless. The next you are consumed in a darkness and death is the only option left - it’s scary living like this, not knowing how life will be when you wake up. I know variety is good, but I don’t want my existence being put on the line. My moods can change from one moment to the next. Sometimes I am so sure that I have found the person I was always meant to be, then in a heartbeat it all changes and hope is stolen from me. It is a continual battle living with my condition and medication can only do so much before it becomes ineffective. If I make it through the next year it will be a miracle, I am all out of solutions.
I have to stop walking through doors into a system that doesn’t care and doesn’t understand me. I have to grow up and face this world alone. This will be easy for me as I have felt abandoned by this world my whole life. I need to except that I will always be broken, damaged, whatever you want to call it. I have asked for help so many times and I have tried my hardest to change, but it’s not that easy. I am ill and will never be the person I know I could have been. I feel robbed of my life before I have even been given a chance to live.
Aged 13 took first overdose and given diagnoses of PTSD, however was never offered any help or treatment for this. Then at 25 I got the somewhat sketchy diagnosis of BPD (bad persons disorder!) and since then have felt even more of a social reject. My wonderful mental health social worker at the time very kindly informed me that there was NO help for borderlines and that he had been working within the mental health system since 1978 and that there was no help for us. Nice thing to tell a mentally ill person isn't it? After he left I hit the bottle hard and for the first time in years I began self-harming again. Lucky for me that was the last time I saw him as he was retiring. Now I thought DBT has been running for 10 years? Yet no other service was ever aware of it? Maybe it was for elite borderlines only back then?!
The most frustrating thing of all is that no professionals seem to understand what a life threatening condition this can be.
C.S. Lewis Quote
"If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place for correction and it's not so bad. Imagine a set of people all living in the same building. Half of them think it is a hotel, the other half think it is a prison. Those who think it a hotel might regard it as quite intolerable, and those who thought it was a prison might decide that it was really surprisingly comfortable. So that what seems the ugly doctrine is one that comforts and strengthens you in the end. The people who try to hold an optimistic view of this world would become pessimists: the people who hold a pretty stern view of it become optimistic"