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little black sandals

Posted Dec 22 2009 9:56pm

hello dear readers if you’re still out there. i simply cannot believe i have been away for nearly 6 months. firstly i’d like to thank the lovely Ana for the inspirational blog award back in september. very sweet and nice company.

i never expected my break from writing to be this drawn out but life and work took over. my father-in-law passed away two weeks ago Monday, he was 62. needless to say, his passing has been very difficult and i’m doing my best to be there for my husband. but it’s not easy, i will not lie. i’ve also been working on back-to-back films and will be preoccupied until mid-march however i’m on a holiday hiatus until early january so i thought i would pop in here as i feel the need to put ‘pen to paper’ if you will.

i’m still seeing my new therapist at the sexual assault center and she is lovely. i haven’t seen her in over a month because of work but she checks in on me via email. i must add this is the first time in 23 years of therapy that a therapist has actually reached out to me! i have always been a number. the next patient in line. but she is different. she cares. and that means the world to me. the therapy has been difficult and we’ve only just begun. it’s quite the process and so many old wounds have been opened. i am okay with this as i know they must be opened in order for me to heal. but. well. wow. how to find the words. i’m still trying to wrap my brain around all of it. honestly, i think this entire process would be a lot easier had doctors not labeled me and medicated me for 20 years and instead dealt with the issue at hand: trauma. but, such is life and so, instead, here i am, a girl at the age of 36 trying to recover from a brutal rape that happened so many years ago. and of course, during this therapy process many other things have come up, which is natural but extremely difficult to say the least.

i had an enlightening moment/conversation the other day and i can’t believe i had never thought of it before or maybe i had but chose to ignore it. the conversation was with a man that has every right to be considered a victim…certainly of victim of discrimination as I am. however, he does not live his life as a victim and is sometimes annoyed by those that do. he knows of my past, the rape, etc but he truly opened my eyes. this isn’t about sweeping the event under the rug and pretending it never happened. this isn’t about pretending that for the past 20 years big pharma and doctors haven’t had me drugged up to keep money in their pockets. it is more about, well, do I choose to remain a victim and wear that label or do I free myself from that label? i suppose i have worn the victim label for so many years because i have always wanted understanding from those that did not understand. i wanted compassion, love and healing. even though so many see it as a ‘poor her, pity party, she just wants attention moment’

well, it’s not about them. some may never understand. some may never find ‘true’ compassion. i must move on and live my life and not as a victim. the label is old and tired. and so am i.

i need to be free. i need to break out of the victim mentality and yet still find a way to heal. i am sure this is possible, i just need to figure out the path. part of it will be to continue working in my line of work which is creative and full of passion and like-minded people. there is no fear of stigma or discrimination in my line of work and i’m extremely grateful for that. part will be continuing my therapy at the sexual assault center. i think the biggest part will be the most difficult. re-training my brain. i have been extremely vocal about my rape and my experiences with the ‘mental illness’ diagnoses I received for a very good reason. we all know what it’s like to feel alone in this world. we all know what it’s like to feel and be misunderstood and so, i started this journey of writing nearly four years ago so that people would not feel alone. so that I would not feel alone. however, it has left me ‘trapped’ in the victim mindset. and i have allowed that. i can no longer do so in order to fully heal.

we have all been through so much. more than we would wish on our worst enemies. i know most of you understand the feeling of…just when all seems good in life, the darkness is right around the corner. it’s exhausting. i know. and yet we are all so very strong. we are survivors. we are alive. and we can overcome what bad doctors and big pharma have done to us (yes I blame them and will continue to do so until the day i die) we can overcome what those who assaulted us have done to our spirits, our minds, our bodies. i believe this. i truly do. we will find peace.

i guess my broader point is this. i no longer want to be a victim. i have been a victim for far too long. i want to be me. whoever that may be. peace to you all this holiday season.

“These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today
So now I’m free
Free from the big bad giant who was stalking me”
—Little Black Sandals lyrics written by Sia.

Posted in antipsychotics, big pharma, family, film ramblings, happiness, health care, hope, inspiration, life, new beginnings, peace, trauma Tagged: big pharma, life, mental illness, peace, trauma
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