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Letter To My Mother ~ Part II

Posted Sep 23 2009 10:30pm

Susan,

I know that you don’t want to hear the truth, but that’s tough because I need to tell you the truth to you whether you read this or not. I absolutely hate you for leaving me alone with Gene and for listening to Maye and him. You, constantly put me in danger because you ALWAYS picked him over me and believed what he said. The day I got two red stars on my behavior chart was because I didn’t want to play Monopoly with him. I wanted to play with my Barbie’s. So, he raped me not only with himself, but with the Barbie’s. But, you never asked me what happened even when you saw blood on my underwear. You never wanted to know the truth you just blamed me as did Gene and to top it off, you spanked me.

The constant threat of you telling me that, “I’d better watch what I do and say because Gene could kill me!” What kind of mother would constantly say that to her child…you sick bitch did. Which also implied that you knew he was dangerous; yet, you left me alone with him. During one of the first times, that I was left alone with him he raped me by knife point and at six he put a knife up to my neck and told me that he could kill me anytime he wanted to” This was not the last time he did that. I hate you for leaving me alone with him. You would even ignore him yelling at me then get angry at me. You always wondered why I hated him, well, a mother would have asked…bitch.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but I will spare you some of the details for now because they are too sick to even put on paper. But, you are responsible for not listening to me and ignoring the signs…there are NO excuses for it. I’ve said them to myself my whole life, but not anymore. I feel so much rage toward you.

The teasing me about the tail, same old shoes, snail etc…were sadistic and you still tease me about them and it still hurts. All I wanted was some empathy which apparently you are incapable of and to share my excitement about the things I was learning in school. I learned to not share anything with you and to keep you out. So, it is not my fault that I keep you out of my personal business…it is yours and not mine. Your teasing was sadistic.

Whenever, you and Gene would argue and sometimes have physical fights, I was scared both at what was happening and also because I knew the anger was going to be directed at me. That was always the case. I was bad, I misbehaved…too much pressure for a child…and I was a child and not your “mother” although you tried to make me yours.

I was absolutely terrified with Gene and you knew it, but never asked or got us out of the situation because you were too scared not to be in a relationship. And, that took priority over my needs all the time. I remember, when you would get angry with him that the Vodka and the cigarettes that you hid in my underwear drawer (how sick is that) came out and I felt like I had to stay awake until the cigarettes were gone because I was afraid of you setting the couch on fire. Who was the mother here?

You always joke that from the time that I was born that I told you what to do. That was your doing to because you made me be attuned to you for my own safety. It got to the point when I know when you get fussy that you are tired, need to go to the restroom or are hungry. Who mothered who? I feel so much rage and cheated out of a childhood. The only time that I really got to be a child was with Arleen or Grandpa and Grandma and sometimes Michael. And, apparently when Gene came into the picture I saw them less until Gene started working.
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