First of all, I have officially moved in with my girlfriend. Although the sudden change in lifestyle is quite drastic I seem to be taking it pretty well. After all, she is very supportive and during those times when I let the anxiety and depression take over, she is there to help me through it.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love her very much and would not have done this unless I knew it would be a positive change in my life. However, there's a part of me that cannot get away from the thought that I'm taking her down with me. I have these ruminations on a daily basis that sooner or later I am going to cause her a great deal of emotional pain. I can't predict the future but I can tell you how I feel right now and at the moment I am stressed beyond belief.
All I really want in life is to be with a woman I love and have a career that is fulfilling. Right now I have 1 of 2. If any of you know me from my previous posts you know that I dislike my job for many reasons, the major one being that at the end of the day I feel empty. I feel like I am wasting my life in a job that gives me zero satisfaction.
There are certainly things I can do to fix this such as...getting a new job. But, that will make finishing school a lot harder and a lot more expensive. Secondly, the things I would consider doing that I feel would bring meaning to my life are seemingly impossible at the moment. My asthma/allergies prevent me from running or participating in most types of exercising. Third, I am recovering from my shoulder surgery which prevents me from being able to play guitar, one of a few things that make me happy.
So what does a person do when they are at a crossroads in their life? What does a person do when almost every path they would choose is unavailable to them? My shrink seems to think that I have to accept my losses and move on with my life. Sure, it makes sense...but I do not possess that ability. My obsessive compulsive disorder has made a fundamental impact on my decision making skills as well as my cognitive abilities. I am deterred from easy, everyday things due to the unrelenting stress it causes me. Just sitting here in my office thinking about my finances and crappy life put me into a depressive state.
The worst part of is that my sense of self is nearly gone. This fortuitous outcome which has depleted my self esteem and my ambition in life has crippled my abilities and caused me to suffer through things I'd never dream to be a problem. Money isn't that important, but it IS important enough to worry about. I have these fears that I will get to the point where I am penny-less and either living on the street or in some institution. I have long forgotten my earlier childhood dreams of being this rich, ambitious person. They have been replaced with the simple dream of being able to function in society like a normal person. I feel like an outsider, like I am no longer in control of my actions.
My new doctor has scheduled a fourth diagnostic appointment (usually takes 3 or less for most people) as he has determined that I have many more problems than I originally thought. Apparently I have body dysmorphic disorder!
I will not accept my situation, not now, not in the future. I can't give up on myself like that and assume the role of a lifeless figure on this planet. There's a big difference between being realistic and being positive...I just wish the two were intertwined.