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I Think My Gears Are Slipping

Posted Mar 31 2011 8:00am
March 31, 2011 | Author Melissa Shell

I thought I was dealing with managing my emotions about dad’s death well. I am starting to think I might be wrong. It feels like some of the people in my support system are seeing something I am not. If they are – in a way – that is a good thing. It means the people I have asked to help me keep track of any depression symptoms I might exhibit, are doing exactly what I need them to do.

Even though I found a group in Augusta – that met Monday night – mom was insistent that I go to my regular group yesterday, Granted she did have some business to take care of up here, but I think what motivated her to come up here when she did was to make sure I went to my group. Not in a bossy, “You are going to group” kind of way, but more of making sure I was up here so I could go kind of way.

After group was over, my counselor insisted that I see the psychiatrist today. She said something about dad’s death being a major life event – which can be very triggering to someone who has a history of major depression, She suggested that I might need an increase in my medications – to keep me evened out – for a little while.

My friend – Terri – commented on how I was dressed yesterday. She said that I usually dress very nice, but yesterday I was wearing sweats, a t-shirt, did not fix my hair, or put any make up on. For me, sweats are like pajamas I can wear in public, and – for the most part – I had quit wearing sweats and pajamas during the day.

Thinking about it, even I have to admit there have been times when my thoughts have slipped their gears. They are not thoughts of wanting to hurt myself in any way, however they are are very negative. Things like feeling I am in the way, wanting to disappear – run away from the pain.

I have gone back to several unhealthy habits. One of which, is constant worrying. It is interfering with my sleep. I stay up, and do things until I am absolutely not capable of staying awake any longer. Then I fall asleep where I am, only to wake up again in a few hours.   I am doing that because it allows me to avoid laying awake in bed worrying about things.

During the day, I am constantly dozing off – like I did when my depression was not being treated. Some of it is caused by lack of sleep, but not all of it. Some of it is because I am starting to feel tired weary in my soul.

I am not an expert in grief, nor am I an expert in depression, so I have no idea how much of what I am feeling is a normal part of the grieving process, and how much is grief, and depression combined. I guess am hoping things will be a little more clear in my mind after I see the doctor today.

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