Today, I wasn't going to post anything at all, but I woke up realizing that I was feeling more depressed than "normal." For the last two days, I've been sleeping on/off throughout the day. 1-2 hours up and 1-2 hours sleeping. I'm tired, but it feels more like an escaping kind of thing. Not, that I can do anything about falling asleep at the computer, my desk or table.
I had lots of things I could have scheduled to post today, but I just did not feel like dealing with it. Just like, I did not feel like doing my homework assignment from my therapist focusing on abandonment from my mother. Yes, we got into that Monday. I'm not happy about it and don't want to discuss it.
But, it came up because of my borderline personality disorder series. I don't think I realize how much that took out of me emotionally. Or even, how much I revealed about my mother and I. So, again I put myself out there and tell the truth. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.
I also think that the two panic attacks, last Wednesday and Friday, is still rattling around in my brain with I did something wrong and it is a set back. When in actuality, my therapist told me that I handled it well and that I could not have done anything to prevent it. Also, in that somewhere is trusting and allowing my husband and my therapist to take care of me and letting that feel good. With that came the realization, that I've always longed for that, but my mother couldn't provide it. What always happens, my symptoms go up, so that is part of the reason for being more depressed.
Okay, now I get it. Now, what to do. Or do I do nothing and just ride it out. Now, I am feeling my depression. I suppose it is a good thing. I guess, at least, I have something to talk about in therapy today.