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I hate you but please care about me

Posted Sep 12 2008 9:11am
I'll just say it. It's been a rough week because of the conflict with V. It's been over a week now since our last session, a session I've been trying hard to just put out of my mind because of the threat that V posed at me. I was incredibly hurt and angry. It even prompted me to send her an email - something I have never done before because she hasn't ever given me her email address (I figured out what it was by the username protocol used by the hospital, and the rest was easy to figure out). I hadn't expected an answer, but she did email me back at the end of that same day, saying that she normally does not communicate with clients over email as it was not a safe method of communication. It felt like a slap to my face, some sort of telling off, like a teacher to a kindergaterner - don't ever do that again or I'll send you to the corner. So I quickly filed the email away so it was no longer in my inbox, not quite able to delete it because it was from her, and not quite able to tolerate having that in my inbox.

I'm such a moron.

I already regretted sending the email as soon as I hit the send button. I shouldn't have mentioned how it hurt me, I shouldn't have mentioned how mad I was at her. Like a three year old shrieking loudly after being smacked for bad behaviour.

Over the week I talked to my keyworker about quitting therapy. Don't be so hasty, they tell me. Maybe take vacation from therapy, but don't quit. I was petulant. No, if I want to quit, I want a clean cut off. Maximise damage - that was what I really wanted. Petulant child, throwing all her toys out of the cot. Attend to me, or I'll really make you pay for it. How borderline is that?

I'll admit, my anger has subsided this week. I didn't suffer in agony during the time I was supposed to see her this week. Instead I left work as usual and took the car to get a new warrant of fitness and to AA to renew my membership. I filled that time period with things I needed to get done anyway, rather than sitting around moping over the fact that V was off somewhere during OUR TIME, not being with me. I highly recommend this.

So yes, I'm not angry anymore. At least not angry the way I was the week before. I've reached the "zone". The "zone" is where I no longer care or have deep feelings of warmth and security. I can take it or leave it. V is not longer on a pedestal. V is the "baddie", no longer the "goodie". I can draw up all my hatred and rage and direct it at her. It is a much safer feeling. I am no longer vulnerable to what she may say or do.

I'm sure my feelings will shift again, depending on how V handles our next session.

In the meantime, the emptiness in my heart and soul is all I've got to keep me company.
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