I hate to break up my own party, but this has been on my mind for a while. It started on Friday during my therapy session. We talked about my suicidal ideation. My therapist said, something like, "I always take you seriously, but realize that it has been more intense before and you haven't followed through." He said a bunch of other stuff, but I had gone away.
I immediately thought that he wasn't taking my suicidal thoughts seriously and that I was making too big a deal about it, that I would never follow through, was being manipulative with it, that it was not that bad, etc... All the same stuff that runs through my head all the time, at some level.
Well, that put me in a bad place for the weekend. I left a couple of messages and starting crying on them. I just didn't feel good and did not know what that meant. Toward the end of Sunday, I realized that I wanted to be angry at him. Meaning that I knew that I wasn't really angry at him, but he was the target and I didn't feel angry toward him and didn't know what to do. (Are you confused yet?...Then, I'm not trying hard enough.)
When I saw him on Monday, he pushed the issue and had me focus on being angry at him. With much reluctance and after a time of trying to decide to go away or stay in the room emotionally and mentally, not physically, I told him that I felt like he didn't take me seriously. He did state that he always takes it seriously, and that I could kill myself anytime. He also said that he takes my history into account that I have always told him when I've been in trouble and needed hospitalization.I started to talk about how young and how the thoughts seem like they never stop. We kept talking about that and my still feeling like he didn't understand.
Then, there was a turn. He kept asking me questions and I began to cry and he continued to gently push and I felt comforted and like he put his arm around me. And, somewhere inside of me we found this really hidden door, but I was terrified because I had no idea what was inside. Normally, I would back away and not share the room with anyone until I looked. This time was different because I felt like we opened the unknown door together.
I began to really cry and told him that I realized that as a child I felt like something was wrong with me and that the suicidal thoughts I was having really did mean that I was bad and evil. That I believed I had evil spirits and this is why I thought that way. Explains why I had such a strong reaction to the woman on the Godlinked site. It also hit me that the cult and my mother and almost everyone else had really brainwashed me, but it did hit me until that moment that I really did believe them as a child. Also, there still is a small part that still believes it.
I left not in a good place (I was feeling like I was evil and deserved to die) and left a message asking him to call me. Talking to him was very helpful. I am being flooded with the feelings that I had as a child of not only the suicidal/hopeless thoughts, but of feeling, bad, evil and that I did not deserve to live. It is quite overwhelming. They are really intense flashbacks.
I am angry that I believed them and the lies and that it has had such an impact on me. I am also sad thinking and seeing myself as a little girl even at two having all that going through her head. How must it be for a child if my being an adult has difficulty with it being overwhelming. As expected, the suicidal thoughts and wanting to cut are loud.
I keep going away as a way to avoid feeling and thinking about the reality. How does a child grow up thinking that everytime she has a suicidal thought, which was all the time, that she is evil, bad and deserves to die? Or to even believe that she really does deserve to die, is bad and is evil. What an awful way to grow up and to continue these thoughts into adulthood.
I really was brainwashed and believed that I was evil...overwhelmed, angry, sad, confused. However, I don't feel alone...I feel like I am trusting my therapist further which is also scary and comforting. I feel like he is there right with me...finally someone to talk to and to listen to all the thoughts that are hidden behind such a tangled maze...what else is there?